2014...Resolutions?!? Efforts!

Hello 2014!  I am not a big fan of the word resolution...so, I'm making efforts this year.  The following are mine...setting them out there so I can be accountable!

• Be better at money...spending, saving, etc.  I have a love hate relationship with money and debt.  It's been something I've overcome in the past, but feel like I need to put some energy here.
• Be better to myself...cut some slack.  Treat myself to something substantial (shoes, clothing) each month.  I sometimes spend money on useless stuff and usually have nothing to show for it.
• Take my lunch to work more often...along with the money issue, it gets expensive to eat out and can be a major drain on my bank account.  My plan is to pull $20 out on Monday for lunches for the week rather than relying on the evil debit card!
• Get moving...do some sort of movement everyday.  Even if it is just walking Archie around the block, I need to  get my body moving.
• Cook a new dish every month...I love to cook and it is my way of expressing my creativity.  I want to branch out and try something different.
• Make connections with friends...make the effort to get together more regularly...even if it is a coffee date.
• Reaffirm my relationship with God...not sure what this ultimately looks like, but really make the effort.  D and I say grace before all of our meals...continue and expand that in some way.
• Really and truly figure out the jay oh bee situation...do I stay?  I always keep an eye out, but I think I need to make a real change.  That situation wont ever change and I can't wait for 2 years until my boss retires for something to happen.  
• Connect with D...make the effort to be present when we are together.  We have a good relationship, but I think we forget to "date" and make the time for each other.
• Help the family dynamic...it's a difficult thing to deal with, but I think for Meema's sake, we need to strengthen it.  Cousin and I have chatted about this and being the ones to lead the charge. 
• Blog more...it's a good outlet to share what's happening.

I think this is a good start...look for updates periodically...a blessed and prosperous New Year to all!

Tap, Tap, Tap...Is this thing on?!?

Hello blogging world!

Looking back, it's been over a year since my last blog post.  Yikes, that is way too long.  Since it's New Year's Day, I'll catch you up on what is happening in my world!

LIFE:  In May 2012, D and I moved in with Mom and Meema.  It came as an offer to make our lives a little easier and help save for a house.  We had financially hit the wall where we were being penalized for not owning our own home...we have a rental, but that counts differently for tax purposes.  Trust me, getting our taxes done for a few years was painful.  I think if we drove near a cliff after our tax appointment some years, I would have veered off it!  It was a challenge to move back into my old (tiny) bedroom with my husband, but we made the sacrifice.  It was rough at times to be an adult, but under the scrutiny.  For the most part, though, it took some stress of us as we got our lives in order and ready to become homeowners.

Finally, in the Spring of 2013, we had saved enough to start our search for a home.  It was the most stressful time in my life for a lot of reasons...D and I don't argue, but this process challenged that repeatedly.  We put in a few offers and were rejected.  We looked at one house (that D didn't like the outside from the photos) and found our home.  After a few back and forth moments, our offer was accepted.  The escrow process was so smooth and the back was ready to fund our loan in less than 2 weeks.  We closed escrow on Friday, May 17 (while I was in Indianapolis) and moved in on May 24.  D had to coordinate the move as I was taking care of my mom with her outpatient procedure.  We love our house...we each have our own office and it's a great place to entertain.  It's nice to be in our own space and makes us both feel settled.

As part of the settling in process, we adopted Archie.  He is a boxer, terrier, pit bull mix.  We adopted him from the Escondido Humane Society on August 18 (the day after our housewarming).  He is a character, a love and so much fun.  I joke that he is a daddy's dog...he spent a lot of time with D when we first got him due to my schedule, but he is happiest when both of us are home.  He loves people and is quite the social butterfly when we take him on our "Frosty Friday" outings to the local micro breweries.

JAY OH BEE:  Well, this is a little more complicated.  In the summer of the 2012, I took a "voluntary" (not really, but in the name of the budget) demotion.  This was so hard to deal with and really hurt.  I had a supervisor title, but  neither of my bosses (current or retired) ever gave it any credibility.  This title and opportunity was the reason I took the job in the first place.  Anyway, when one of the Nastys moved to another position, my boss decided to replace the position at a higher level.  It meant needing to make a cut somewhere (me) to do so.  The person would take on some of my responsibilities giving me the chance to do other things.  Our first hire was there a year...she  was young and looking for work to be a social connection.  We got along well and worked well together.  After she left, we hired someone older, which I thought would be a good idea because she would stay out of the drama...wrong!  Anyway, not much has changed in the jay oh bee situation.

SORORITY: Wow, this was a challenging year for this part of my life.  In the Spring 2013, social media (Instagram) was the challenge...photo that sparked controversy.  Multiple meetings, phone calls and education took up my time.  In the fall, it was an unsanctioned event.  I love what I do and the impact I feel I make, but let me tell you, there are times that I just want to say forget it.  Then, something happens to make me realize that I am where I should be.  This year, the Chapter gave me an award (normally reserved for members) for the Biggest Heart!  Also, I've become more involved at a national level.  It feels good to give back to the organization that has given me so much!

Well, so long 2012 and 2013...here's to more blogging!

50 Shades...

I LOVE to read! From my childhood, I have always loved to curl up with a good book and get lost.  Meema and I read the entire Little House on the Prarie series (including the cookbook) and a good number of the Nancy Drew books together.  Recently, there has been a lot of hype and discussion regarding the "50 Shade" trio of books.  To this point in my life, I have not followed the mainstream and read a book for that reason...I am probably one of a small group who has not read any of the "Twilight" or "Hunger Games" books.  However, recently, I needed some new reading material.  I had seen 50 Shades of Grey at Target, so I decided to download it onto my iPad.  And, let me tell you, I read and read!

The Amazon description of the book is:  When literature student Anastasia Steele goes to interview young entrepreneur Christian Grey, she encounters a man who is beautiful, brilliant, and intimidating. The unworldly, innocent Ana is startled to realize she wants this man and, despite his enigmatic reserve, finds she is desperate to get close to him. Unable to resist Ana’s quiet beauty, wit, and independent spirit, Grey admits he wants her, too—but on his own terms. Shocked yet thrilled by Grey’s singular erotic tastes, Ana hesitates. For all the trappings of success—his multinational businesses, his vast wealth, his loving family—Grey is a man tormented by demons and consumed by the need to control. When the couple embarks on a daring, passionately physical affair, Ana discovers Christian Grey’s secrets and explores her own dark desires. Erotic, amusing, and deeply moving, the Fifty Shades Trilogy is a tale that will obsess you, possess you, and stay with you forever.


I started Book 1 (50 Shades of Grey) on Friday evening and read late into the night.  Anytime, I had a chance to read, I did.  When talking to D about it, I mentioned that I would read Book 1 and then read something else before moving on to Book 2.  Wrong!  As soon as I read the last sentence of Book 1 on Sunday afternoon, I opened Book 2 because I needed to know what happened.  Sunday night, D was working and I read, and read, and read.  I finished Book 2, Monday at lunchtime.  Monday night, I started reading again...I was halfway through Book 3 (the final in the series) by the time I went to bed.

For some reason, this trilogy has captivated me (and not for the reasons you think).  It's been a while since a book took hold of me and made me want to keep reading.  Now, don't get me wrong...this is not the great American novel or something that will go down as a classic, but for me, it's been a great, entertaining read.  I know that I am in the minority...the reviews on Amazon are horrible.  It is not for the faint of heart...it is graphic and detailed with its themes, scenes and stories.  It's been a real education for my "vanilla" mind! 

I identify with some of the concepts in the book...Christian Grey doesn't want to get involved (seriously) with someone because he is 50 shades of messed (he uses another word) up.  Deep down though, through those 50 shades, he finds a way to let in someone.  I think we all have some level of dysfunction in our lives...we just have to step over it and let people close.  It's also given me a new appreciation of my relationship...through all our baggage, insecurities, stress, we've managed to step over it and be a team.  It's still there and we deal with that stuff every day, while remembering that life happens. 

Whatever it is/was about this book...call me 50 shades of embarassed (that I enjoyed it so much), and in my own way, 50 shades of messed up!

Last Night, I Cried

Last night, I cried..

for this beautiful woman and the voice that now sings with the angels in heaven

It started with hearing "Whitney died", in my post nap dozing. And, continued with lengthy news coverage. She was an icon of my late teens/early 20's love angst. I recall shedding many a tear hearing her love songs...and wondering if if would find the love she spoke of...and, to this day continue to bring chills to me when I hear her songs.

...for the idea (planted by someone else) that had begun taking root in my head. Only, to find out, that it was not to be, at this time.

...for the small answer to a question that I've begun to ask myself. And, in hearing the answer, to remember to not lose sight of the me that I am, in spite of what those answers point to.

...and for love of a man, who in his simple words of "I support you in all your decisions", made all the rest go away...and made me cry with tears of joy!

Bitten by the Bug

Ugh...I have been bitten by the stomach flu bug! After threatening to kick in for a week, it finally took hold on Sunday night. At first, I thought it was all the junk food I ate during the Superbowl, but when it persisted and did not subside, I soon realized this was more. I was up almost every hour going into Monday morning...at several points, I begged D to put me out of my misery! I have never been so sick, at least in recent memory. This morning, I woke up feeling ready to conquer the world...as I was getting ready, my fever kicked in again and felt like I was going to pass out. I should feel like that considering, I've lived on a scoop of rainbow sherbet, some broth and coke for the past 24 hours. When I decided to stay home (after being dressed), I sent a text to work. In return, I got the "you're in the doghouse and we'll be fine" response. As if I don't have enough sick leave guilt, as is...trust me, I would much rather be at work than home feeling like my insides were wrenched from my body and a semi has backed over me repeatedly! Note to self...when in a role of authority, don't treat your workers like this...sick is sick! And, next time, I'll take photos and video for proof!

So, I've been tagged by my friend, Amanda, so in order to lighten things up, here goes..

THE RULES:
1. You must post the rules
2. Post 11 fun facts about yourself.
3. Answer the questions that the tagger gave to you in their post and then create 11 NEW questions to ask to those you've tagged
4. Tag 11 people and link them on your post
5. Let them know that you've tagged them

FUN FACTS ABOUT ME:
1. I love to cook, but don't like baking...as much as I try, I just can't get into it!
2. I made a spice rub for coworkers at Christmas time and they are all nagging me for refills.
3. D started me on listening to the police scanner as a novelty...it's now like my white noise.
4. I am fascinated with crime, jail, courts, etc...I often think I should have gone into the justice field for a career.
5. I have a friend who I met my first day of preschool and we still keep in touch. As adults, we would get together with our moms once a month for lunch and called it the 4 Js Lunch.
6. I don't have many friends, but count those who I have as my close friends.
7. I have a high tolerance and threshold for people...it takes so much to make me lose it.
8. I like looking at Facebook and Twitter better on my iPad or iPhone much more than on my laptop.
9. I have a bucket list...it's not too long.
10. My unrealistic career fantasy is to be a soap opera actress....probably comes from my mom's love of them when I was a child and watching Patch and Kayla's wedding when I had the chicken pox..I still watch them occasionally.
11. I went to Catholic school for 12 years and had the fear instilled in me...as a result, I never did anything bad or got into trouble

11 QUESTIONS FOR ME:
1. What's your favorite movie quote? "Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around" - Vanilla Sky (the quote is the best thing about that movie!)
2. Last book read and would I recommend it? I am reading "Dreams of Joy" by Lisa See. It is the sequel to Shanghai Girls. It is a heavy book, but I still love it.
3. What's the first thing you do when you wake up? Usually hit the snooze button.
4. What's the last thing you do before you go to bed? Kiss and tell D that I love him and say my prayers
5. If you could spend one day with anyone in the world, who would it be? (Person must be living.) This is a hard one since I know my dead person (JFK)...but living is a challenge...probably Anderson Cooper, since he is entertaining, smart, handsome and could challenge me in our conversations.
6. Do you prefer to talk on the phone or text? Typically, I'd rather text...I find the phone awkward.
7. What's the last nice thing you did for yourself? I bought a daily deal for the Chi Enviro Straightening Treatment and had it done...I love it and has already made me feel pretty and confident.
8.What's your go to comfort food? This will sound weird, but top ramen with cheese makes me happy...the simplest thing, but so yummy!
9. What can you not leave the house without? My sunglasses...my eyes are light sensitive since I had LASIK, so even on a hazy day, I need my sunglasses
10. What's your favorite holiday? Thanksgiving...it is such a family holiday that is rich in tradition with my mom...plus we got married that weekend.
11. What is the most important quality you look for in a friend? Someone who will be there for me through the good and bad

11 QUESTIONS FOR YOU:
1. If you could choose your career again, what would you do?
2. What website are you addicted to?
3. If you could have one celebrity's body, who would it be?
4. If you could plan your last meal, what would you have?
5. If you could banish one person (famous) from this Earth, who would you like to never hear about again?
6. What is your greatest accomplishment in life?
7. What makes you smile?
8. What makes you cry?
9. What is your favorite book?
10. What is your theme song?
11. Do you have any friends you've lost touch with and wish you hadn't?

Since everyone has probably been tagged...this is for fun...enjoy!

When Life Kicks You in the Teeth

This week was strange and left me feeling like my work life had been kicking me in the teeth repeatedly. I wanted to tell the work world to fly a kite (and not in those delicate terms...much harsher words), but thanks to my good upbringing and work ethic, I didn't do it out loud (in my head, yes!). There are incidents all week that had me wondering if this was what 2012 professionally was going to do to me. Work is really beating me down...I'm extremely busy (frenetic) and learned some news on Friday that really knocked me down. I won't share specifics on what happened, but just know it really hurt. It's been something that has been mentioned and discussed for over a year, but still came as a hurtful moment. I'm now almost relieved that this has finally happened, but it doesn't make it any easier for me. I'm angry...I'm sad...I'm frustrated...I'm over it...I'm on an emotional roller coaster...I'm ready to make some changes...I'm kicking back...I'm taking control!

I have some exciting things on the horizon on the professional front that I hope to share soon. In the meantime, my blogging readers, can I ask a favor?!? A prayer, a thought or whatever you do for those in need of support...I would be most grateful! I am accepting and grateful for all the good vibes I can get now!

And, in return, I promise some lighter posts...including one about my experience with the Chi Enviro treatment (complete with better photos than my self portraits on Facebook), my favorite things, and lots of happy things!

Monday Musings

Today was a Monday like I haven't had in a while...the boss came back today part time. She had hip replacement surgery in early December, so I've been on my own for the last month. She is back working half days for the next three weeks and then should be released to full time. Today also was the Nasty's first day in her new assignment. She is in the larger department, but does not work day to day with us. I woke up feeling fine, but as I drove to work...the anxiety hit again! I made it work fine, but it stressed me out. The rest of the day was good and busy, but the drive home brought some more anxiety. As I walked to the front door, I started pondering...why?!? Why one moment am I fine and the next ready to crawl out of my skin? Why are people so mean? Why do I put so much stress and pressure on myself? Well, the answer to all this...is that I have no idea...and that's okay...it's just this life I lead. Happy Monday!

2012...look out, here I come!

I don't really like to use the word resolution, because to me, it seems like a design for failure. This year, I have things I'd like to try to do and achieve...I feel like my list is a combination of short term material goals and the rest are going to be a lifetime thing. Without further ado, here's my list:

• Eat better...I know that when i do, I feel better. I am a sugar/junk food lover and need to reign that back in. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy healthy food and actually crave salads after not having some. However, I make excuses. This year, I'm going to make a conscious effort to monitor what goes into my body.
• Bring lunch to work more. I make excuses about this also by saying that I won't know what I want for lunch tomorrow. I see how much money comes out of our accounts with eating out and know that money could go to a much better place. I am going to commit to one day out a week for lunch.
• Focus on me and what I need on a daily basis. With my anxiety, I started this practice. I've done better with this, but still manage to put others before me. It's hard to be semi selfish, but in the long run, this will combat my anxiety.
• Wean off totally from my anxiety meds. This will be a challenge, as I have already started to do so. I am having some symptoms of anxiety still when I drive, but am trying to overcome them. Again, this is tied in to me being selfish and patient with myself.
• Stop worrying...about all of it...specifically, what people think of my and my choices. It's hard to not internalize all the criticism/feedback from others. I really notice this peaks my anxiety at the end of a work day. I try to not take it on, but it is easier said than done.
• Figure out friendship situations...maybe it's part of my midlife crisis, but I am having a reevaluation of my circle of friends. I sometimes wonder if I fade into the background or stop attending events, would I be missed. It's rough to think about, but again it's a true feeling. It's hard for me to not sometimes feel like I am on the outside of a circle of friends...kind of like I am in middle school again.
• Figure out the jay oh bee situation. Things are going to slightly change with the exit of one Nasty, but I don't know that it will be enough. Something happened a few weeks ago, that has me questioning my work performance and place in that dynamic. I have never been in a situation like this and am relatively sure the environment aggravates my anxiety issues (and my doctor concurs). I'm going to continue to do my best work, but make some decisions in the near distant future.
• Attain the goal and get the heck out of dodge...aka our apartment. We are aggressively saving and with our continued hard work, we should be ringing 2013 in our very own home!
• Strengthen my relationships...D and I are in a good place, but I want to keep this going in its positive direction.
• Blog more...I think that what I have to say is not that exciting, but I like sharing it.
• Take more pictures and document this life. It will make next year's holiday card making so much easier!

I have a feeling that 2012 is going to be a great year and it is my intent to make the most of it! Wishing everyone the same!

2011 Reflections

I can't believe that 2011 is a little over 24-hours from being over. I, for one, am ready to kicky the vibes of 2011 out the door. Here is a recap of my year....

• D started his new job in January and is loving it!
• Drove myself back to work!
• Made a trip to Indianapolis in late January for Leadership Academy for Alpha Chi Omega. Got there in between snowstorms, but still got to see some snow. Had fun bonding, visited the motherland (the famed Headquarters of our organization), and dug through the snow to find our Chapter brick.
• Went to Arizona for the "It's a Boy's Trip" aka Spring Training with D. Had fun spending time with D, checking out different teams, eating and relaxing.
• Renewed our season tickets for the Padres with a full season...probably not do a full season again.
• Got to see a post game press conference for the Padres, which was really cool and so not what I expected.
• Celebrated Meema's 90th birthday with a trip to Disneyland with most of the family. She had a great time and still raves about it to this day! In fact, she told Mom and I that it was the "highlight of her life". Never mind, that she was married, had 2 children, 3 grandchildren and 1 great-grandchild...the highlight of her life was a visit to Disneyland and kiss by Mickey Mouse (her beau)! God willing, we will do the same for her 95th!'
• Nominated, won and accepted the award for Greek Advisor of the Year at CSUSM. It was such an honor and I am still touched when I read my nomination letter.
• Went to Big Bear with the Chapter for their fall retreat...made dinner for them, bonded and shared WAY more than I should about myself. It's a great way for them to get to know me better and be more comfortable with my input and not just view me as "the scary lady in the back".
• Was surprised by and Mom with a 2-month early surprise 40th birthday party! It was my first surprise party and so cool!
• Got an iPad for my birthday and am in LOVE with it!
• Celebrated 9 years of relationship status and 4 years of marriage with D. It's been full of ups and downs, but I wouldn't trade this for anything!
• Were made an "offer we couldn't refuse" and accepted it. It will help us make the sacrifices and get us to our big goal in 2012!
• Got an iPhone and am in LOVE with it!
• Getting closer to being out of consumer debt...should happen in 2012!
• Turned 40...and didn't freak out too much! I just don't feel like I am that age, but am excited about all that is coming in life.
• Discovered Cop Radio (thanks to D) where I can listen to the police scanner. It is both fascinating and scary at the same time...makes me sad at all the DV (domestic violence) calls.
• Hosted Christmas Eve, which all came together without all the fuss and stress I'd been putting into it.
• Still at the jay oh bee...will make some decisions in 2012 about my status there. Even though one Nasty will be out of there, I'm not sure it is still the right environment for me as I prepare for some bigger things in life.

2011 has been quite a year, but I'm looking forward to the magic of a new year...happy New Year!

Shopping Reflections

Today, I went shopping for some necessities for the holiday weekend. I did the same thing last Friday, with the intent to avoid the crazy crowds of the "Eve". In doing so, I noticed some things in my visits to Trader Joes, Vons, Costco (gas and store).

To those shopping with your children, I'm sure you think it's cute when they push the cart like they've been drinking. It's not...especially when it is busy!

To the parents with no manners (yes, I let you go ahead of me...you didn't say thank you), it's a wonder your children don't have any either.

To the woman standing in the middle of the aisle using her cell phone to call her child to find out if they need coffee right where I need to grab something, it's called a shopping list..try it some time!

To the woman in front of me at Costco gas, we've been waiting for a while to get to the pump. Why didn't you get out your cards before you pulled up to the pump?!?

To the man with the shopping cart in the meat area of Costco, I was wearing a yoga tank with a small amount of cleavage. This does not give you the right to stare longingly and follow me with your eyes until your wife returned to you. With all that staring, I'm pretty sure there was a clean up of your drool puddle in the meat section of Costco.

To those on your cell phone (with or without Starbucks) shopping, now is not the time to have a chat with your bff/husband/etc. Pay attention to the task at hand.

To Oggi's in Mission Valley, thanks for sending me home with a chopped salad without dressing and what looked like a half-eaten bread stick.

To the person driving the (insert car name here), did you not pay extra for the turn signal?!? That lever in your car is there for a reason!

Enough said :)

Day 1: 15 Day Challenge

I found this on a blog that I follow and decided that it would be a good way to force myself back into blogging...you can find details at lovelovelovesar.blogspot.com

Day 1: Discuss your current relationship.

D and I have know each other for almost 17 years. We met at the beginning of spring semester 1995 in a statistics class. I was in a sorority and he was in a fraternity. At first, and he will admit it, he did not like me. He thought I was some curly haired sorority girl. This changed a week or so later. We went out with a group of friends and somehow, I drove D back home at the end of the evening. From PB to Carlsbad (45-minute drive), he talked non-stop! From that night on, we were friends. We always hung out at parties and events together. After graduation, we kept in touch. Usually, we talked about once a month and hung out doing "couple" things...dinner and a movie, dates to weddings (we had mutual friends), parties, etc. One time, we were shopping at the clerk in JCrew was hitting on him. At the register, her friend asked if we were together. When I responded that I wasn't buying anything, she asked if we were dating. We had quite a laugh over that one!

Our relationship dynamics began to change in April 2002. I got a message from D to call him as soon as possible. I could tell something was wrong and after trying to call him for several hours, finally got in touch with him and found out his mother had a stroke. D was a change of life baby (mom was 47 when she had him) and his mother was in her late 70s. From that point on, we spent a lot of time talking and spending time together. I lost my stepdad in 1993, so I know what it's like to lose a parent. She passed away that October. I went to El Centro (his hometown) to attend the services. He stayed with me at the hotel since his parent's house was so crowded and I tried to keep him level. The next day at the cemetery, I stood back out of the way. I can't explain this next part and the feeling, but something happened! I was praying and saying to his mom how I would take care of her boy. I felt something strange and it changed how I looked at him. As I drove home alone, the rational me said that it was just the emotions of the weekend.

From there, we began talking daily. He joined the ladies and I for dinner one night, which became an evening where he cried with my mom and tried to eat dinner with 2 knives! That night, we made a bet on the Chargers-Raiders game the next day. I won the bet which was dinner. On November 9, we went to dinner, but it felt different and ended with us staying up until 5:00 a.m. talking. At some point in the middle of the night in the dark, D asked if I had feelings for him. It was a tough question to answer and it was putting it all on the line. When I finally said yes, he also admitted that he had feelings for me. And, that began our dating life!

With the exception of 2 miserable weeks of not talking over a misunderstanding, we have been together ever since! Before our marriage, we had to deal with so much stress...his father's passing 10 months after his mom, cleaning out and selling the childhood home, family pressures. On December 16, 2004, he asked me to officially marry him, which I did on November 24, 2007!

Marriage is amazing...it is like being manic! The highest highs, the lowest lows and everything in between! I am so lucky to be with him...he is both my biggest critic and cheerleader...he pushes me to be more and believes in me! I think how if my life had been on the path I was, I would not have met him that Spring 1995. I was supposed to be in law school...I graduated with my BA in political science in 1994, but had a change of heart and went back to get the credits for a business degree. If I skipped this, who knows where I'd be today! All I know is that I am a lucky woman to married to D!

Lessons from a Panic Attack

It's been a year (plus a week or so) since my first panic attack. I wanted to post this a week ago, but things are crazy busy at the work place and every where else. I tried to do it last week while proctoring a day of exams, but the work computer kept me from getting here. Anyway, here are my lessons from the past year...

• I have an AMAZING husband! Had it not been for his love, compassion patience and chauffeur skills, I don't know what I would have done. It made things easier to know that he could take the reins in our lives while I got it all together!


• My mom is still an amazing person in my life! No matter how old I get, I am still her "little girl" and she would do whatever she can to make my life less stressful! I loved having our Lourdes chicken soup lunches as she took me to therapy every other Wednesday.


• I have a large support network...and need to rely on it more! I learned who my friends are and need to acknowledge and accept that love and support!


• It's okay to forgive...my father, myself for past mistakes, and all the other things I carry around as penance. It's okay to forgive the hurt and anger I carry with me to this day!


• It's okay to ask for help...I am not superwoman no matter how hard I try...in fact, that's one of the reasons I ended up where I did.


• It's okay if I don't get it all done...there are still days when I lay on the couch as opposed to doing (insert chore).


• I need to take care of me first...I've always been so giving of me...I could fix it for everyone else, but not myself...it's okay to say no!


• It's good to speak up...not holding it in...


• It's okay to not have a major life plan...day by day is just fine!


• It's okay to stop comparing my life to others...I don't know others' circumstances.

All in all, it's okay to be me at the moment where I am and with what I have...I'm going to survive this!

Breakthrough...My New Theme Song

Friday was the end to another crazy week at work. School ends in less than 2 weeks (where did the school year go) and it's the push to figure out staffing pushes for the fall and all the normal work. We also just finished a high profile recruitment that took a lot of time to get done. I've been productive and busy. As I got ready to leave (purse and keys in hand), I had a mini freak out because I had forgotten to send an email and had shut my computer down. Fortunately, the boss told me not to worry and do it first thing Tuesday morning. Got into the car, opened the sunroof, turned on good music and began the trek home. Driving home has still been an issue in that I have not done the freeway all the way. Friday, I was so entranced with the good music and great weather that the next thing I knew, I was at Friars Road on the 15. Exited there since I wanted to run an errand near that area. Drove through Friars and hopped back on the 8 at Hotel Circle. Feeling like I had gotten some confidence back at that moment...and then, a song came on. One I'd listened to many times especially since it was the theme song to one of my favorite shows. On this day, this song resonated within me. I had goosebumps and tears of joy in my eyes...I felt like I was turning over a new page...the song... Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield.

Listening to these lyrics made it all clear...I have to take each step of the anxiety. No one can fix this for me...It all makes sense and I am now at peace with this process...the rest is still Unwritten!

Get to Know Me From A to Z

I saw this on a blog I follw and thought it would be a good way to get back to blogging...me in a nutshell A to Z A: Age: I am 39 and will turn the BIG 4-0 at the end of the year B: Bed Size: Queen...although D is convinced that we need a king, but I tell him he still has a habit of taking his half out of the middle when we've stayed in hotels with a king size bed! C: Chore You Dislike: All of them, but especially cleaning the bathroom. D and I have a deal that I clean the kitchen and he cleans the bathroom. D: Dogs: None at this time...want some soon! E: Essential Start to the Day: The snooze button...and a cup of hot tea at work. F: Favorite Color: Blue G: Gold or Silver: I wear both...just depends on what I'm wearing. H: Height: 5'8 I: Instrument Played: None at this time, but played (and I use that term loosely!) the flute for a short time in elementary school. My mom never lets me forget about my lapsed flute playing :) J: Jelly Bean Flavor: Black...love the licorice flavor K: Kids: None at this time...hope to change this soon! L: Lucky Number(s): 15 M: Month: November...I love Thanksgiving and our dating and wedding anniversary both fall in this month! N: Nicknames: Babe (D), Jolie Paige (or just Paige) (Aunt and Uncle); Tootles (Meema) O: Overnight Hospital Stays: One in Huatulco, Mexico after breaking my ankle; One at Scripps Green Hospital for another ankle surgery P: Pet Peeves: Rude people, lazy people...and probably more, but can't think of them right now! Q: Quote From a Movie: "Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around" from Vanilla Sky...great quote, terrible movie! R: Righty or Lefty: Righty, but always wanted to be a lefty for some reason! S: Siblings: None...I'm an only child! T: Time You Wake Up: 6:00 a.m. during the week U: Underwear: Of course! V: Vegetables You Don't Like: Green peas, green peppers W: What Makes You Run Late: Hitting the snooze button too many times...other than that, I hate being late! X: Xrays You've Had: My teeth and left ankle (many, many times) Y: Yummy Food You Make: I'm a pretty decent cook, so I would say most of it! Z: Zoo Animal Favorites: Giraffes, polar bears, and the meerkats!

Ups and Downs

I'm on the cycle of ups and downs...letting the hills and valleys of life come as they will. So, my current list of ups and downs...

UP: Valentine's Day...whether single or attached, I've always had the opinion that if you can't show me how much you love me the other 364 days of the year, don't waste the extra money on one day. Or, I used to (and still might) call it an overrated Hallmark holiday. D and I had some rough ones in the beginning of our relationship, but seem to have gotten it right now! It was a holiday for me at work, so I spent the day prepping the house with candles, baking cupcakes (D's favorite), and prepping dinner. For dinner, we started with (my new Ruth's salad suggestion) a salad of wild greens, crumbled goat cheese, roasted grape tomatoes, toasted walnuts and homemade garlic and parsley vinaigrette dressing. Dinner consisted of bone in rib eyes (bought on a great sale), asparagus and red skinned mashed potatoes. We exchanged cards (D's made me tear up with his sentiment).

DOWN: The driving at times...on my way to a function on Saturday, I almost had another panic attack on the freeway. I'm trying to be patient with myself. As I've discovered through therapy, there is a gap between the rational mind ("Just get on the darn freeway") and the emotional mind ("The freeway is freaking me out") and learning to have the patience!

UP: Vacation time...D is headed to Spring Training this weekend. Normally, I would let him do his guy thing. This year, I'm tagging along. It will be a chance to relax and spend some time together.

UP & DOWN: This is a mixed one...the jay oh bee! Just before the holidays, it was dropped that they might demote my position (removing the supervisory piece). I was having no part of that because this is the reason I took this position 6 years ago...as a bridge to the gap of my goal of becoming a manager/director someday. I had been penalized by not allowing me to take that role on. Instead, I proposed that we figure out how to allow me to take the role on. Since the beginning of the year, I have been supervising two Assistants (which includes 1 Nasty). It's been an interesting ride so far. Supervising is what I think is being a mother...she didn't look at me, she didn't tell me what was happening, etc. We even had a mini cat fight in my office. Rome wasn't built in a day and it might not be built in my time here, but I'm going to give it one heck of a try!

Speaking of the jay-oh-bee, I better get back to it...another day at the salt mine beckons!

Winter Break Recap

What a whirlwind of a Winter Break! Working for a school district, I am able to take advantage of time off during breaks. I typically take Thanksgiving Week and Winter Break totally off and then work some of the other breaks (Ski Week in February and Spring Break). It's nice because we get holidays for each of these, so I don''t have to use a lot of vacation time. Since I have 8 rollback days (to go along with my additional salary rollback this fiscal year), I used them for both breaks.

I started the revelry early...my birthday was on the 15th of December, which consisted of lunch with a coworker, then dinner with D, Mom and Meema. The next day after work, I mentioned to D that I had seen a car online at Lexus San Diego and could we go look at it that weekend. He suggested that we just stop by on our way home. I was against this since we had so much to do that evening (shopping for gifts for work, making potluck dishes and other stuff to be done for the next day...we were kind of last minute!), but we stopped anyway. Less than 2 hours, we drove away with a 2007 Toyota 4Runner for me! I drove it home the back way (still having issues with the freeway)...I love it and got such a great deal (will post pictures soon)! We still made it through all our errands and made it to bed around 1:00 a.m. The next day was my last day of work...the Nastys gave small gifts, but I did not give them anything. I had a tiny twang of sadness and guilt, but decided that why would I give a gift to someone who treats me like garbage all year! I passed on our work party due to my driving situation...after an almost hour+ drive home, D and I crashed until the morning (woke up at 11:30, to change into pajamas).

The next day, we ran around (I drove to the dealer via the freeway!) and did some of our Secret Santa shopping. That night, we went to Ruth's Chris for my birthday dinner. Due to family dynamics, it was a little uncomfortable.

The week before Christmas was busy...I spent a lot of time cleaning up around home and relaxing. We braved the rain one night to pick up groceries for our Christmas Eve hosting feast. Which all led up to our 3 day Christmas extravaganza!

Christmas Eve: D and I host this event...we've been doing it for close to 5 years. The family plus a new friend joined us that evening. On the menu, antipasto platter (salami, prosciutto, artichoke hearts, roasted red peppers, marinated mushrooms), mini caprese salad (using grape tomatoes and mozzarella balls), Christmas pasta (Rachael Ray's recipe) with angel hair, Italian sausages, and garlic bread. I made a brown sugar bundt cake, but no one ate dessert. I make treat bags/boxes every year for people to take home - this year's included graham cracker toffee and rolo pecan pretzel bits. We all hung out and had a nice evening! D and I concluded it by watching Christmas Eve mass from the Vatican.

Christmas Day: The morning was mellow. In the afternoon, D, our friend and I headed to our family friends', the Belmains. Our families have long standing relationships dating back to my great-grandmother at age 18. They always host a dinner. We had a nice day filled with friends, family and good food.

Day After Christmas: Uncle (now retired) Banking Mogul and family decided to host since they did not participate in the Belmain dinner. The catch...Mom did most of the cooking at their place! They have a beautiful galley kitchen in the Deluxe Apartment in the Sky, but are culinary challenged! We had a turkey dinner with the fixings. We did our Secret Santa exchange. Since our friend has no family locally, we all got him gifts from "Santa". He was genuinely surprised and touched. D got a really nice SD Padres pullover that he wanted. (I helped his Secret Santa pick it out). I got nice baking sheets and cookie cutters from mine. When we got home, we were trying to watch a movie when we hear arguing. One of our neighbors was fighting with her live-in...complete with her throwing his stuff off the stairs at him and calling him every expletive known to man! After a back and forth argument for close to 2 hours, SDPD came to see what was going on. And, much to my surprise, he is back and they look so happy..ugh, who needs that much drama in their life?!?

The week after Christmas was spent partially entertaining Aspiring NY Banker. We also did our share of stimulating the economy. D had his exit interview at his job...he starts his new one on Monday. We also started getting more organized...one of our goals in 2011!

It's been a great break...happy new year!

How Far We've Come

Well, I never thought that when I had my massive panic attack while driving back in August that I would still be dealing with this. What I've learned is that one piece of straw can overflow a bucket of water. Here's where I am, four mothns later:

• I started seeing a therapist. I'm not ashamed to admit that! I started seeing him every other week starting in late September. He has really changed my view on all that is and has happened to me. Through therapy, I've been able to see how my actions and past decisions and behaviors have impacted me. I've been such a helper and have a tendency to help others before I help myself. I've learned that is the behavior that starts the domino to so many other things. I have now adopted the mantra "I appreciate myself...I put myself first" Therapy and EMDR has helped me feel better...I am really starting to feel like me again and I like the changes it has brought! I have also learned that I have a serious case of distortion...what is said to me is not always what my brain processes!
• I went back to see Doctor B for an unrelated issue. At that appointment, we made the decision that the initial medication was not doing what it should. So, we made the difficult choice to put me on stronger medication. The downfall is that I can't get pregnant while on the medication and need to be on it 3-6 months to normalize my system. I was initially devastated at this, but have come to realize that if I'm not okay and can't take care of myself, then how can I take care of someone else! The medication works, just makes me sleepy and get some solid sleep!
• We will end this year with none (yes, none!) of the cars we started the year with...and we started with 3 cars! The first was totaled in my accident in February. The second (my car, the 4Runner) was totaled in a very freakish incident in October...in fact, the same day as my Doctor B appointment. D dropped me off at work and then called me saying he was outside my building and the car started to smoke inside and could not be driven. He called AAA and my mom to pick him up. Turns out, the ground wire for the power seat hit some other hot wire and fried our electric system! Insurance company decided to total it since it would have to be dismantled to be fixed. That check is sitting in the bank waiting for me to buy a car. Then, we made the decision that BMW (a prewedding impulse made by D) was getting pricey to maintain and own. Therefore, we traded it in for a car (Toyota FJ Cruiser) for D. While I don't love the 2 car payment concept, I'm happy to be free of the headaches that came along with the BMW!
• I finally drove stress free a few weeks ago...I drove to the bank and then home from Trader Joes. I was almost in tears over how proud of myself I felt for doing that. It was the first time I drove any distance since my last massive panic attack. I'm definitely getting closer and have started thinking about my next car. I really miss my independence and being able to go where I need to without having to ask.
• Chapter finished up for the semester...we had some bad times, but it was a really great semester! Some of the girls initiated at the same time I became Chapter Advisor are graduating this semester...I will miss them! I am excited for our new exec board and all that is to come. My next commitment is a trip to Indianapolis for training with two of the girls in January. We will get to tour headquarters while we are back there...so excited to see it, but not excited about the weather!

Life has been a challenge, but I've learned so much! Life is good in spite of all the challenges. I once heard that change is our opportunity to grow and without change, we would remain stagnant! I definitely have gone through changes and am growing like crazy!

Moving Ahead...One Small Step At a Time!

No, I haven't fallen off the face of the Earth...I'm just taking some quality time away from life! I am still dealing with the anxiety and panic attacks. Last week, I had an appointment with my doctor. We discussed what has been happening since our first appointment for this issue. I shared lots...I've totally cut out caffeine (so hard because I love iced tea when we are out, but have adjusted to drink Sprite or water instead) which has helped eliminate (reduce) the number of headaches I get; getting more sleep (at least 8 hours per night...usually); stepped back from solving every one's issues (this is a hard one because instinctively, my brain goes there); and let others do for me (another really difficult one). Doctor B has been my doctor for almost 12 years and we are able to talk openly. He acknowledges that I am doing all the right things, but wanted me to be aware of what would be the next step if the increased dosage and other things were not successful! The option is a more potent medication which would require a 6-12 month commitment...and would delay the baby train (can't be pregnant or trying while on this). Well, the fighter in me (and the doctor) agreed that this was not an option...so, we now move forward trying this course of action!

Out of all this, some positives have come about...I got a massage after not having one for a while and am planning on doing this monthly; went to a traumatic prayer group and have become more (back) in touch with my spirituality; started to speak my mind (rather than bottle it all up inside); regular date nights with D (focusing on spending good quality time without distractions together); seeing a therapist (someone who has no investment in me to give me strategies and perspective); and just learning patience with myself.

I slowly feel like I am going to turn this corner and come out on the other side...as so many I have spoken with, this is preparing me for something bigger and better. I'm learning to make positive lifestyle changes and choices that will make me feel better. I am also realizing that I am worth every ounce of love and caring that I receive! It's a long path, but it's my path to grow on!

Pushing Boulders Up a Hill

As you can see, things are still pretty rough for me. This week, for some reason, has been especially challenging. I've had some tearful days. I'm frustrated, which is the last thing I should be feeling right now because it is detrimental to the healing process. I feel like all I am able to focus on is this anxiety issue. My body is in revolt and taking my nerves right along with it! I've decided to throw it all out there...all the "boulders" of my life...so, my list of boulders I face right now...

• Work: At this moment, I am responsible for 25+ recruitments. They are all in various stages, but still work to be done on each and every one of them. We went to a new online application system in March and I am the "Program Manager" for this. My boss and I are headed to a User's Conference at the end of September which includes a day of hands on training for me. Until I really get comfortable with this process, I'm hesitant to allow others in the office access.
• Work Environment: If there was a reality show/makeover show for office dynamics, my office would definitely win and be contestants/participants! I am the end of my rope anyway, but last week in our staff meeting, I spoke up about the climate. Of course, it fell on deaf ears, but it was still said and I will probably continue to do so. It's rough to be in such a toxic environment...especially when we spend more time together than with anyone else.
• Living Situation: We really want to buy a house/condo/something of our own, but with D's layoff, we have had to postpone this until early next year.
• Baby: I have officially been hit with baby fever! We are trying...I am so excited, but so apprehensive about it. I'm really trying to go with the flow, but I have a tendency to worry and over analyze at times.
• D: I worry about his job...he loves it, but has an interesting boss. Then, he's taking one part of his CPA exam this Monday (send good vibes, please!) and worry about that overload.
• Mom and Meema: I just worry about them...whenever something goes wrong around the house (this week, it was the refrigerator), I wish I could fix it!

Ugh, such a list, but maybe now that it's out, I can release it from my head! Thanks for tagging along on this roller coaster of my life!