50 Shades...

I LOVE to read! From my childhood, I have always loved to curl up with a good book and get lost.  Meema and I read the entire Little House on the Prarie series (including the cookbook) and a good number of the Nancy Drew books together.  Recently, there has been a lot of hype and discussion regarding the "50 Shade" trio of books.  To this point in my life, I have not followed the mainstream and read a book for that reason...I am probably one of a small group who has not read any of the "Twilight" or "Hunger Games" books.  However, recently, I needed some new reading material.  I had seen 50 Shades of Grey at Target, so I decided to download it onto my iPad.  And, let me tell you, I read and read!

The Amazon description of the book is:  When literature student Anastasia Steele goes to interview young entrepreneur Christian Grey, she encounters a man who is beautiful, brilliant, and intimidating. The unworldly, innocent Ana is startled to realize she wants this man and, despite his enigmatic reserve, finds she is desperate to get close to him. Unable to resist Ana’s quiet beauty, wit, and independent spirit, Grey admits he wants her, too—but on his own terms. Shocked yet thrilled by Grey’s singular erotic tastes, Ana hesitates. For all the trappings of success—his multinational businesses, his vast wealth, his loving family—Grey is a man tormented by demons and consumed by the need to control. When the couple embarks on a daring, passionately physical affair, Ana discovers Christian Grey’s secrets and explores her own dark desires. Erotic, amusing, and deeply moving, the Fifty Shades Trilogy is a tale that will obsess you, possess you, and stay with you forever.


I started Book 1 (50 Shades of Grey) on Friday evening and read late into the night.  Anytime, I had a chance to read, I did.  When talking to D about it, I mentioned that I would read Book 1 and then read something else before moving on to Book 2.  Wrong!  As soon as I read the last sentence of Book 1 on Sunday afternoon, I opened Book 2 because I needed to know what happened.  Sunday night, D was working and I read, and read, and read.  I finished Book 2, Monday at lunchtime.  Monday night, I started reading again...I was halfway through Book 3 (the final in the series) by the time I went to bed.

For some reason, this trilogy has captivated me (and not for the reasons you think).  It's been a while since a book took hold of me and made me want to keep reading.  Now, don't get me wrong...this is not the great American novel or something that will go down as a classic, but for me, it's been a great, entertaining read.  I know that I am in the minority...the reviews on Amazon are horrible.  It is not for the faint of heart...it is graphic and detailed with its themes, scenes and stories.  It's been a real education for my "vanilla" mind! 

I identify with some of the concepts in the book...Christian Grey doesn't want to get involved (seriously) with someone because he is 50 shades of messed (he uses another word) up.  Deep down though, through those 50 shades, he finds a way to let in someone.  I think we all have some level of dysfunction in our lives...we just have to step over it and let people close.  It's also given me a new appreciation of my relationship...through all our baggage, insecurities, stress, we've managed to step over it and be a team.  It's still there and we deal with that stuff every day, while remembering that life happens. 

Whatever it is/was about this book...call me 50 shades of embarassed (that I enjoyed it so much), and in my own way, 50 shades of messed up!

Last Night, I Cried

Last night, I cried..

for this beautiful woman and the voice that now sings with the angels in heaven

It started with hearing "Whitney died", in my post nap dozing. And, continued with lengthy news coverage. She was an icon of my late teens/early 20's love angst. I recall shedding many a tear hearing her love songs...and wondering if if would find the love she spoke of...and, to this day continue to bring chills to me when I hear her songs.

...for the idea (planted by someone else) that had begun taking root in my head. Only, to find out, that it was not to be, at this time.

...for the small answer to a question that I've begun to ask myself. And, in hearing the answer, to remember to not lose sight of the me that I am, in spite of what those answers point to.

...and for love of a man, who in his simple words of "I support you in all your decisions", made all the rest go away...and made me cry with tears of joy!

Bitten by the Bug

Ugh...I have been bitten by the stomach flu bug! After threatening to kick in for a week, it finally took hold on Sunday night. At first, I thought it was all the junk food I ate during the Superbowl, but when it persisted and did not subside, I soon realized this was more. I was up almost every hour going into Monday morning...at several points, I begged D to put me out of my misery! I have never been so sick, at least in recent memory. This morning, I woke up feeling ready to conquer the world...as I was getting ready, my fever kicked in again and felt like I was going to pass out. I should feel like that considering, I've lived on a scoop of rainbow sherbet, some broth and coke for the past 24 hours. When I decided to stay home (after being dressed), I sent a text to work. In return, I got the "you're in the doghouse and we'll be fine" response. As if I don't have enough sick leave guilt, as is...trust me, I would much rather be at work than home feeling like my insides were wrenched from my body and a semi has backed over me repeatedly! Note to self...when in a role of authority, don't treat your workers like this...sick is sick! And, next time, I'll take photos and video for proof!

So, I've been tagged by my friend, Amanda, so in order to lighten things up, here goes..

THE RULES:
1. You must post the rules
2. Post 11 fun facts about yourself.
3. Answer the questions that the tagger gave to you in their post and then create 11 NEW questions to ask to those you've tagged
4. Tag 11 people and link them on your post
5. Let them know that you've tagged them

FUN FACTS ABOUT ME:
1. I love to cook, but don't like baking...as much as I try, I just can't get into it!
2. I made a spice rub for coworkers at Christmas time and they are all nagging me for refills.
3. D started me on listening to the police scanner as a novelty...it's now like my white noise.
4. I am fascinated with crime, jail, courts, etc...I often think I should have gone into the justice field for a career.
5. I have a friend who I met my first day of preschool and we still keep in touch. As adults, we would get together with our moms once a month for lunch and called it the 4 Js Lunch.
6. I don't have many friends, but count those who I have as my close friends.
7. I have a high tolerance and threshold for people...it takes so much to make me lose it.
8. I like looking at Facebook and Twitter better on my iPad or iPhone much more than on my laptop.
9. I have a bucket list...it's not too long.
10. My unrealistic career fantasy is to be a soap opera actress....probably comes from my mom's love of them when I was a child and watching Patch and Kayla's wedding when I had the chicken pox..I still watch them occasionally.
11. I went to Catholic school for 12 years and had the fear instilled in me...as a result, I never did anything bad or got into trouble

11 QUESTIONS FOR ME:
1. What's your favorite movie quote? "Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around" - Vanilla Sky (the quote is the best thing about that movie!)
2. Last book read and would I recommend it? I am reading "Dreams of Joy" by Lisa See. It is the sequel to Shanghai Girls. It is a heavy book, but I still love it.
3. What's the first thing you do when you wake up? Usually hit the snooze button.
4. What's the last thing you do before you go to bed? Kiss and tell D that I love him and say my prayers
5. If you could spend one day with anyone in the world, who would it be? (Person must be living.) This is a hard one since I know my dead person (JFK)...but living is a challenge...probably Anderson Cooper, since he is entertaining, smart, handsome and could challenge me in our conversations.
6. Do you prefer to talk on the phone or text? Typically, I'd rather text...I find the phone awkward.
7. What's the last nice thing you did for yourself? I bought a daily deal for the Chi Enviro Straightening Treatment and had it done...I love it and has already made me feel pretty and confident.
8.What's your go to comfort food? This will sound weird, but top ramen with cheese makes me happy...the simplest thing, but so yummy!
9. What can you not leave the house without? My sunglasses...my eyes are light sensitive since I had LASIK, so even on a hazy day, I need my sunglasses
10. What's your favorite holiday? Thanksgiving...it is such a family holiday that is rich in tradition with my mom...plus we got married that weekend.
11. What is the most important quality you look for in a friend? Someone who will be there for me through the good and bad

11 QUESTIONS FOR YOU:
1. If you could choose your career again, what would you do?
2. What website are you addicted to?
3. If you could have one celebrity's body, who would it be?
4. If you could plan your last meal, what would you have?
5. If you could banish one person (famous) from this Earth, who would you like to never hear about again?
6. What is your greatest accomplishment in life?
7. What makes you smile?
8. What makes you cry?
9. What is your favorite book?
10. What is your theme song?
11. Do you have any friends you've lost touch with and wish you hadn't?

Since everyone has probably been tagged...this is for fun...enjoy!

When Life Kicks You in the Teeth

This week was strange and left me feeling like my work life had been kicking me in the teeth repeatedly. I wanted to tell the work world to fly a kite (and not in those delicate terms...much harsher words), but thanks to my good upbringing and work ethic, I didn't do it out loud (in my head, yes!). There are incidents all week that had me wondering if this was what 2012 professionally was going to do to me. Work is really beating me down...I'm extremely busy (frenetic) and learned some news on Friday that really knocked me down. I won't share specifics on what happened, but just know it really hurt. It's been something that has been mentioned and discussed for over a year, but still came as a hurtful moment. I'm now almost relieved that this has finally happened, but it doesn't make it any easier for me. I'm angry...I'm sad...I'm frustrated...I'm over it...I'm on an emotional roller coaster...I'm ready to make some changes...I'm kicking back...I'm taking control!

I have some exciting things on the horizon on the professional front that I hope to share soon. In the meantime, my blogging readers, can I ask a favor?!? A prayer, a thought or whatever you do for those in need of support...I would be most grateful! I am accepting and grateful for all the good vibes I can get now!

And, in return, I promise some lighter posts...including one about my experience with the Chi Enviro treatment (complete with better photos than my self portraits on Facebook), my favorite things, and lots of happy things!

Monday Musings

Today was a Monday like I haven't had in a while...the boss came back today part time. She had hip replacement surgery in early December, so I've been on my own for the last month. She is back working half days for the next three weeks and then should be released to full time. Today also was the Nasty's first day in her new assignment. She is in the larger department, but does not work day to day with us. I woke up feeling fine, but as I drove to work...the anxiety hit again! I made it work fine, but it stressed me out. The rest of the day was good and busy, but the drive home brought some more anxiety. As I walked to the front door, I started pondering...why?!? Why one moment am I fine and the next ready to crawl out of my skin? Why are people so mean? Why do I put so much stress and pressure on myself? Well, the answer to all this...is that I have no idea...and that's okay...it's just this life I lead. Happy Monday!

2012...look out, here I come!

I don't really like to use the word resolution, because to me, it seems like a design for failure. This year, I have things I'd like to try to do and achieve...I feel like my list is a combination of short term material goals and the rest are going to be a lifetime thing. Without further ado, here's my list:

• Eat better...I know that when i do, I feel better. I am a sugar/junk food lover and need to reign that back in. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy healthy food and actually crave salads after not having some. However, I make excuses. This year, I'm going to make a conscious effort to monitor what goes into my body.
• Bring lunch to work more. I make excuses about this also by saying that I won't know what I want for lunch tomorrow. I see how much money comes out of our accounts with eating out and know that money could go to a much better place. I am going to commit to one day out a week for lunch.
• Focus on me and what I need on a daily basis. With my anxiety, I started this practice. I've done better with this, but still manage to put others before me. It's hard to be semi selfish, but in the long run, this will combat my anxiety.
• Wean off totally from my anxiety meds. This will be a challenge, as I have already started to do so. I am having some symptoms of anxiety still when I drive, but am trying to overcome them. Again, this is tied in to me being selfish and patient with myself.
• Stop worrying...about all of it...specifically, what people think of my and my choices. It's hard to not internalize all the criticism/feedback from others. I really notice this peaks my anxiety at the end of a work day. I try to not take it on, but it is easier said than done.
• Figure out friendship situations...maybe it's part of my midlife crisis, but I am having a reevaluation of my circle of friends. I sometimes wonder if I fade into the background or stop attending events, would I be missed. It's rough to think about, but again it's a true feeling. It's hard for me to not sometimes feel like I am on the outside of a circle of friends...kind of like I am in middle school again.
• Figure out the jay oh bee situation. Things are going to slightly change with the exit of one Nasty, but I don't know that it will be enough. Something happened a few weeks ago, that has me questioning my work performance and place in that dynamic. I have never been in a situation like this and am relatively sure the environment aggravates my anxiety issues (and my doctor concurs). I'm going to continue to do my best work, but make some decisions in the near distant future.
• Attain the goal and get the heck out of dodge...aka our apartment. We are aggressively saving and with our continued hard work, we should be ringing 2013 in our very own home!
• Strengthen my relationships...D and I are in a good place, but I want to keep this going in its positive direction.
• Blog more...I think that what I have to say is not that exciting, but I like sharing it.
• Take more pictures and document this life. It will make next year's holiday card making so much easier!

I have a feeling that 2012 is going to be a great year and it is my intent to make the most of it! Wishing everyone the same!