How Far We've Come

Well, I never thought that when I had my massive panic attack while driving back in August that I would still be dealing with this. What I've learned is that one piece of straw can overflow a bucket of water. Here's where I am, four mothns later:

• I started seeing a therapist. I'm not ashamed to admit that! I started seeing him every other week starting in late September. He has really changed my view on all that is and has happened to me. Through therapy, I've been able to see how my actions and past decisions and behaviors have impacted me. I've been such a helper and have a tendency to help others before I help myself. I've learned that is the behavior that starts the domino to so many other things. I have now adopted the mantra "I appreciate myself...I put myself first" Therapy and EMDR has helped me feel better...I am really starting to feel like me again and I like the changes it has brought! I have also learned that I have a serious case of distortion...what is said to me is not always what my brain processes!
• I went back to see Doctor B for an unrelated issue. At that appointment, we made the decision that the initial medication was not doing what it should. So, we made the difficult choice to put me on stronger medication. The downfall is that I can't get pregnant while on the medication and need to be on it 3-6 months to normalize my system. I was initially devastated at this, but have come to realize that if I'm not okay and can't take care of myself, then how can I take care of someone else! The medication works, just makes me sleepy and get some solid sleep!
• We will end this year with none (yes, none!) of the cars we started the year with...and we started with 3 cars! The first was totaled in my accident in February. The second (my car, the 4Runner) was totaled in a very freakish incident in October...in fact, the same day as my Doctor B appointment. D dropped me off at work and then called me saying he was outside my building and the car started to smoke inside and could not be driven. He called AAA and my mom to pick him up. Turns out, the ground wire for the power seat hit some other hot wire and fried our electric system! Insurance company decided to total it since it would have to be dismantled to be fixed. That check is sitting in the bank waiting for me to buy a car. Then, we made the decision that BMW (a prewedding impulse made by D) was getting pricey to maintain and own. Therefore, we traded it in for a car (Toyota FJ Cruiser) for D. While I don't love the 2 car payment concept, I'm happy to be free of the headaches that came along with the BMW!
• I finally drove stress free a few weeks ago...I drove to the bank and then home from Trader Joes. I was almost in tears over how proud of myself I felt for doing that. It was the first time I drove any distance since my last massive panic attack. I'm definitely getting closer and have started thinking about my next car. I really miss my independence and being able to go where I need to without having to ask.
• Chapter finished up for the semester...we had some bad times, but it was a really great semester! Some of the girls initiated at the same time I became Chapter Advisor are graduating this semester...I will miss them! I am excited for our new exec board and all that is to come. My next commitment is a trip to Indianapolis for training with two of the girls in January. We will get to tour headquarters while we are back there...so excited to see it, but not excited about the weather!

Life has been a challenge, but I've learned so much! Life is good in spite of all the challenges. I once heard that change is our opportunity to grow and without change, we would remain stagnant! I definitely have gone through changes and am growing like crazy!

Moving Ahead...One Small Step At a Time!

No, I haven't fallen off the face of the Earth...I'm just taking some quality time away from life! I am still dealing with the anxiety and panic attacks. Last week, I had an appointment with my doctor. We discussed what has been happening since our first appointment for this issue. I shared lots...I've totally cut out caffeine (so hard because I love iced tea when we are out, but have adjusted to drink Sprite or water instead) which has helped eliminate (reduce) the number of headaches I get; getting more sleep (at least 8 hours per night...usually); stepped back from solving every one's issues (this is a hard one because instinctively, my brain goes there); and let others do for me (another really difficult one). Doctor B has been my doctor for almost 12 years and we are able to talk openly. He acknowledges that I am doing all the right things, but wanted me to be aware of what would be the next step if the increased dosage and other things were not successful! The option is a more potent medication which would require a 6-12 month commitment...and would delay the baby train (can't be pregnant or trying while on this). Well, the fighter in me (and the doctor) agreed that this was not an option...so, we now move forward trying this course of action!

Out of all this, some positives have come about...I got a massage after not having one for a while and am planning on doing this monthly; went to a traumatic prayer group and have become more (back) in touch with my spirituality; started to speak my mind (rather than bottle it all up inside); regular date nights with D (focusing on spending good quality time without distractions together); seeing a therapist (someone who has no investment in me to give me strategies and perspective); and just learning patience with myself.

I slowly feel like I am going to turn this corner and come out on the other side...as so many I have spoken with, this is preparing me for something bigger and better. I'm learning to make positive lifestyle changes and choices that will make me feel better. I am also realizing that I am worth every ounce of love and caring that I receive! It's a long path, but it's my path to grow on!

Pushing Boulders Up a Hill

As you can see, things are still pretty rough for me. This week, for some reason, has been especially challenging. I've had some tearful days. I'm frustrated, which is the last thing I should be feeling right now because it is detrimental to the healing process. I feel like all I am able to focus on is this anxiety issue. My body is in revolt and taking my nerves right along with it! I've decided to throw it all out there...all the "boulders" of my life...so, my list of boulders I face right now...

• Work: At this moment, I am responsible for 25+ recruitments. They are all in various stages, but still work to be done on each and every one of them. We went to a new online application system in March and I am the "Program Manager" for this. My boss and I are headed to a User's Conference at the end of September which includes a day of hands on training for me. Until I really get comfortable with this process, I'm hesitant to allow others in the office access.
• Work Environment: If there was a reality show/makeover show for office dynamics, my office would definitely win and be contestants/participants! I am the end of my rope anyway, but last week in our staff meeting, I spoke up about the climate. Of course, it fell on deaf ears, but it was still said and I will probably continue to do so. It's rough to be in such a toxic environment...especially when we spend more time together than with anyone else.
• Living Situation: We really want to buy a house/condo/something of our own, but with D's layoff, we have had to postpone this until early next year.
• Baby: I have officially been hit with baby fever! We are trying...I am so excited, but so apprehensive about it. I'm really trying to go with the flow, but I have a tendency to worry and over analyze at times.
• D: I worry about his job...he loves it, but has an interesting boss. Then, he's taking one part of his CPA exam this Monday (send good vibes, please!) and worry about that overload.
• Mom and Meema: I just worry about them...whenever something goes wrong around the house (this week, it was the refrigerator), I wish I could fix it!

Ugh, such a list, but maybe now that it's out, I can release it from my head! Thanks for tagging along on this roller coaster of my life!

Still Trying to Catch My Breath

Well, I am sorry to say that I am still dealing with my anxiety issues. I am still taking the medication and trying to let it all flow. Unfortunately, the recovery timing is slower than I hoped. Last weekend, I started feeling like myself and didn't take my meds for two days...at the end of the 2nd day while on our way to dinner in the car on the freeway, I had mild attacks. So, back on the meds I went. Then, on Monday, I decided that I was ready to get behind the wheel and drive to work. The plan was for me to drive and D to be in the car. I figured I had driven all around my neighborhood over the weekend and I would be fine. WRONG! Not too far into the drive, I had another massive panic attack and had to pull off the freeway for D to drive the rest of the way. I didn't feel safe behind the wheel and the last thing I want to do is put others and myself at further risk!

Again, last week, D had to chauffeur me to and from work. I went to Mom's on Thursday and spent the night, so he got a little break. It's looking like this week will be more of the same. Even being a passenger in the car on the freeway causes me a lot of anxiety...yesterday, it brought me to tears at several points. D is being really patient with me...I wish I could explain how frustrated I am! I know that is probably aggravating my symptoms, but it's hard to not feel safe doing something that I have done every day for a long time. I also find that the only place I really feel comfortable is at home (or at Mom's). Large crowds start to get to me and make me anxious. I'm also feeling antisocial...we've done some small social events, but am shying away from other things. I'm trying to get my rest...hoping that this will ease the anxiety and panic attacks.

I've been amazed and blessed by the support I am receiving. I've had to be honest at work with my situation (walking in to work sobbing or tearing up in conversations necessitate this) and have so much support from people around me. My boss is trying to lighten my workload, but I still have a large amount of work happening that falls to me.

The bottom line is that I am an emotional wreck and I'm at the bottom of it. Right now, I can't see the end of the tunnel. My independence is threatened by this and that scares the heck out of me! When I start to think about all the things that are impacted, I get more scared! It's hard to see myself as dependent and weak (which is not the truth of this, but how I feel) instead of the strong courageous person I am. I really am trying to take this hiccup in my life one moment at a time...knowing that this is making me stronger!

Breathe In, Breathe Out

I have many things to blog about, yet I choose to bypass those to share something personal. To set the stage, one week ago (Tuesday, August 3), I had a busy work day filled with testing, then a post-work meeting and then dinner with some of my lovely advisors to talk about the fall semester. After dinner, I was driving home on the 15 south in Escondido. I felt something weird (like a shimmy, which was probably the groove in the road...they are doing lots of construction on the 15) while driving. At that moment, I got nervous....like something bad was going to happen. By the time, I hit the Scripps Poway Parkway exit, I had to pull off the freeway...I had entered the realm of a full blown panic/anxiety attack. My hands were numb, my breathing was ragged and my heart felt like it was racing out of my chest. After about 10 minutes, I was calm enough to start driving again...but could not even make it past the next exit before I had to get off the freeway. After trying this several times, I ended up taking all the surface streets home. By the time I got home, I was a nervous wreck.

Wednesday morning, I was not happy to be making the 30 minute drive to work, but made it. After work, I had to make a Costco run for a party (more on that in another post) and was feeling confident. However, by the time I hit the Genessee off ramp, I had to get off the freeway as another attack was coming on. As soon as I walked in the door at home, I burst into tears. D was worried...and for the rest of the evening, everytime he looked at me, I burst into sobbing fits. He sent me to bed early to get some rest.

Thursday morning, I became almost paralyzed with fear about getting behind the wheel of the car. D sensed my fear and drove me to work. Mom called...D had emailed her expressing his concern about me. I decided to call my doctor to talk about what had happened...as luck would have it, he was on call and could see me in the afternoon. From the moment I walked into his office, I cried talking to the nurse and the doctor. He said that my body was just so overloaded with stress that it had pushed me into this anxiety. He recommended that I stay home on Friday to give myself a chance to rest and prescribed me some anti-anxiety medication. This worried me because my boss was out for her husband''s hip replacement surgery which leaves me in charge. But,, I followed doctor's orders and stayed home Friday.

The medication has taken some of the edge and anxiety away, but I am still not driving myself to work. D has been taking good care of me...it causes him to have a longer day driving home to Poway to Kearny Mesa (his office) back to Poway and then home. It's still rough for me, but I'm trying to take deep breaths and be good to myself. Work is so crazy...I am handling (at some stage of the cycle) close to 20 recruitments. With school starting in a few weeks, we are trying to turn and burn recruitments to get staffing set for the fall. In the process, I think I turned and burned me...I thought that I was handling all of this so well, but apparently not!

I wanted to share this, so that people can understand what is going on....I'm trying to be a little selfish right now and take care of my needs. Thank you for listening!

Paying My Respects

First of all, sorry for the neglecting of the blog...life has been a little crazy. Secondly, I apologize for the heavy matter of this entry. I wanted to blog about this before I forgot what I experienced. On Thursday, May 27, Lieutenant John Finn passed away at the age of 100 years old. Lt. Finn was the oldest living Medal of Honor recipient and the last surviving recipient of the Medal of Honor for heroic actions on December 7, 1941 during the attack at Pearl Harbor. He was all of this and, he was my great uncle. His wife, Alice, was the sister of my bio-father's mother. In fact, my bio-dad was named after John Finn and had a close relationship (almost like a father as his father had passed when he was a baby) with him until his death in 1998. In fact, there are rumors that my bio-dad's ashes were scatted on John's ranch in the Campo area. (This is a whole other Jerry Springer episode...not for this post!) John Finn's daughter-in-law, Joan, is still a part of my life and is my only connection to my bio-dad's side of the family. Upon hearing of his passing, Mom and I decided that we would attend the services in support of Joan. Mom also had fond memories of John and his wife, Alice (known as Auntie Loss).

Wednesday was the visitation. It was a low key event...just an opportunity for people to see John and pay respects. Because of his many affiliations, there were visitors from the Medal of Honor Society, Pearl Harbor survivors and relatives, military personnel, friends and family. Two Navy sailors stood guard next to his casket for the evening. Below are some photos of taken that evening.

This is a flag of flowers made by one of his nieces who owns a floral shop.

John with his trademark (or so I've heard) rosy cheeks.

John and his wife Alice

More flower arrangements

We were warned, with the large number of admirers, that the funeral would be attended by anywhere from 300-1500 people. Mom and I met at 8:00, grabbed a quick breakfast and headed to the mortuary. We used the F word (family) and managed to grab good parking. For a while, we were even seated in the family section. We moved because I got so frustrated at having to explain to people I didn't know, how I was related to John. By the start of the service, the chapel was filled and was standing room only with overflow into the lobby. Uniforms representing Border Patrol, Marines, Army and Navy were mixed in with veterans, a retired member and current member of Congress, and friends paying their respects. The service was simple, yet poignant. It concluded with the Two Bell ceremony which commemorates the loss of a sailor. My favorite line said something about "our fellow soldier has gone on to serve his Supreme Commander". Such a moving sentiment!

The casket covered with the American flag at the service


Following the service, a large caravan (including us) headed east on the 8 freeway toward Golden Acorn Casino and the Campo Indian Reservation. At one overpass on the 8, a group of military stood and saluted as the hearse passed by. As a decorated and recognized man, a space was reserved for John at Arlington National Cemetery. Instead, John wished to be buried with his wife on the Indian Reservation close to his home. John and Alice had fostered several Indian youths over their life and at least one was present at the funeral. We chose to take the shuttle to the cemetery as opposed to fighting the traffic and parking. On our way, we passed John's ranch.

The service at the cemetery was a mix of military and Indian rituals. We witnessed the missing man formation flyover, a 21-gun salute, the playing of Taps, saluting by the various military groups in the audience, folding of the American flag and the Medal of Honor flag, address by a retired Congressman, Indian chanting and the drum circle.

The Indian drum circle

Standing guard at the hearse

Carrying the Medal of Honor flag, leading the procession

The Chaplain in the procession
Carrying the casket

The whole event was so moving and really inspired my patriotism. I cried at the cemetery. I was sad for so many reasons...I feel deprived that my bio-dad lacked the parental skills and deprived me of a relationship with this part of his family. I was also sad and nervous at the potential to run into my bio-dad's two surviving brothers (I didn't). For not being directly connected to John, I really mourned that day. It was a difficult day, but I am glad that I was able to pay my respects and to see such an amazingly patriotic service. Rest in peace, John Finn and thank you for your service in life and to the United States! God Bless America!

You can read the San Diego Union Tribune's account of the services here.

i

Misadventures in the Rain on a Saturday

This afternoon around 5:15, I was on my way to meet Mom and Meema for dinner. I was also planning to spend the night there until Monday...D is in Arizona for Spring Training until Monday night. Today is the 17th anniversary of my stepdad's unexpected passing and he died on a Saturday. I know that even after all these years, Mom still has such a difficult time on his anniversary. I was going to stay there until Monday, so we could spend some quality time together, but Mother Nature and the freeway had other ideas!

As I headed north on the 163 just past Genesee, I was driving slowly in the slow lane...the next thing I know, the back of the car hit the center divide. The front end of the car was in the fast lane...I called 911 because I wasn't sure what to do. A nice San Diego Police officer stopped and let me sit in the back of his car (hopefully, a one time deal...it's scary back there with plastic seats even with the door open!) while we (he) figured out what to do. He figured that the car was driveable, so another officer conducted a traffic break for me to pull out and drive away. I took surface streets home.

I called D...he's heading home in the morning (a day early). I called Mom...she was worried about me before I even called. Apparently, there was a bad accident (with ambulances) close to her house on the freeway. She and Meema are going to come down in the morning and have breakfast with me. She wanted to drive down tonight, but I insisted she not do this...I don't want anyone else to go through this!

I walked in the door and lost it...I still have moments of crying. It's hit me what really happened and what the outcome could have been. I thank God that this accident was not worse. I wasn't hurt...just shaken up. It was not what I wanted to deal with, but at least I'm safe. So, if you're out in the rain, drive extra carefully!

Here are photos of the damage...

Lent...The Carbon Fast

Ugh...I can't believe that it's been over a month since my last post. So much for expressing myself, but I have some good things to post...some of which you know, but due to logistical family drama, I'm waiting to post.

Anyhow...today is Ash Wednesday and the official start of Lent! As a "cradle Catholic" and a 12-year Catholic school attendee, I'm quite familiar with the Lent and what it entails. Unfortunately, I have strayed from being a practicing (attends church on Sunday) member, but still identify with that. I do know that someday soon I will make my way back to church because I'd like to give future babies the same faith foundation that I had as a child. Traditionally, Lent is a time of sacrifice. For some, this means giving up something (ie, Starbucks, candy, soda), but for me, it means spending extra time in reflection. I do adhere to the no meat on Ash Wednesday, the Fridays and Good Friday as a sacrifice. (Although, one year, while having sushi on a Lenten Friday, I ate Kobe beef sashimi and did not realize that it was meat...I think God will give me a pass on that one :) Some make fun of me for this practice, but it's routine and a habit from all my years growing up. It is the one thing I make sure to do every Lent.

This morning, I heard a news story that the church leaders of Britain had teamed up with Tearfund and created the Carbon Fast. For 46 days(February 17-April 3), there is something each day to lessen our carbon footprint in the world while praying and reflecting on climate change. While some may be more difficult to do, others take minimal effort. So, this year, I am adopting the Carbon Fast for Lent. The message of "What does the Lord require of you?" really makes me think about my life and its impact on the world around me.

So Long, Farewell...I Hope!

The title might be a little cryptic, but I have a perfectly good explanation. This week, Tuesday to be exact, the office was asked to stay after work for a meeting. Turns out, we were all asked to stay to discuss the sub zero artic office climate. We are moving to a new location around June and with all that is projected to happen before then (layoffs, maternity leave), it's time for us to come together as a team. The basic message was that there is a lot of hurt, anger and frustration felt by all of us, but we can't keep carrying that forward. So, basically, we need to build a bridge and get over it. For so long, I've wanted us to all stop this junior high school behavior and just get along.

I know that it has been 5 long years of frustration and it's hard to just start over. It almost feels "fake" to suddenly act polite and kind and considerate when for so long it's been all about the snapping and nastiness. However, I feel like it is the only way for us to move past it all. So, on our first day (Wednesday), one of the Nastys brought a fruit tray...I think in the entire time I've been here, this has never happened. Things seem to be moving in a positive direction, but then again it's only been a day and a half. It was nice to go home last night not wanting to claw eyes out or having to vent about some stupid thing. I am hoping that it continues...I'm going to do my best to keep this climate of teamwork, cooperation and decency. So, in the spirit of all things positive, it is now time to put away the "Nastys" moniker and start over. I hope that I never have to resurrect that! Have a great day!

Happy (Belated) New Year!

Happy (belated) New Year, my friends! I apologize for the delay, but some kind of nasty bug has taken root in my system since right before my birthday (3 weeks ago) and I have been fighting it with all the energy I have. I kept trying to compose posts when the sickness hit over the weekend, but I lost all sense of words and could not focus to write. Originally, I was going to write a recap of 2009. Then, I decided that dead horse had been beaten enough...I'm going to focus on 2010 instead. Here are my goals/resolutions/plans for 2010:

1. Focus on me and how awesome I am. Over the past year, I have been beating myself up over some past decisions rather than appreciating the difficult decision and moving forward. So, this year, no more self inflicted beatings!
2. Continue to grow in our marriage...with the beast that was 2009, our marriage held up pretty well under the stress. When things are rough everywhere else, D is my biggest strength and I need to keep nurturing that relationship.
3. Decide what to do with the jay oh bee situation. Either I focus and learn what I can from my current position (and deal with the Nastys) or I look for something else to leave. I've been unfocused in my work and that needs to change.
4. Keep in touch with my friends...I get busy and lazy and forget my friends. It needs to be a priority more.
5. Appreciate all we have and stop focusing on what we don't have.
6. Get into better shape...with a trip to the beach for Uncle Banking Mogul's 65th in June plus the baby carrying potential on the horizon, I would like to be in better physical shape.
7. Buy a condo/house...I really want us to achieve this goal...we were on track to get closer, but then 2009 happened.
8. Be in baby mode...all of a sudden, the baby fever has started to hit both D and I. After spending the day with our great niece, I can see what love there is for a child. Plus, I really saw what a good father D would be...it was almost like, "just add baby" and he stepped into the "get the stroller set up, etc" mode.
9. Stop and smell the roses of life...take time to relax and just be. I tend to have "yesitis" and sometimes over commit myself. Then, I become a raving lunatic. This year, I want to stop and calm it all down.
10. Clean out all the nooks and crannies of home...and keep it that way! We have a lot of stuff and could probably do without a great deal of it!

In short, with a new decade and year, it's time to focus on making life easier and better. Here's to a great 2010 for all of us...happy new year!