Still Trying to Catch My Breath

Well, I am sorry to say that I am still dealing with my anxiety issues. I am still taking the medication and trying to let it all flow. Unfortunately, the recovery timing is slower than I hoped. Last weekend, I started feeling like myself and didn't take my meds for two days...at the end of the 2nd day while on our way to dinner in the car on the freeway, I had mild attacks. So, back on the meds I went. Then, on Monday, I decided that I was ready to get behind the wheel and drive to work. The plan was for me to drive and D to be in the car. I figured I had driven all around my neighborhood over the weekend and I would be fine. WRONG! Not too far into the drive, I had another massive panic attack and had to pull off the freeway for D to drive the rest of the way. I didn't feel safe behind the wheel and the last thing I want to do is put others and myself at further risk!

Again, last week, D had to chauffeur me to and from work. I went to Mom's on Thursday and spent the night, so he got a little break. It's looking like this week will be more of the same. Even being a passenger in the car on the freeway causes me a lot of anxiety...yesterday, it brought me to tears at several points. D is being really patient with me...I wish I could explain how frustrated I am! I know that is probably aggravating my symptoms, but it's hard to not feel safe doing something that I have done every day for a long time. I also find that the only place I really feel comfortable is at home (or at Mom's). Large crowds start to get to me and make me anxious. I'm also feeling antisocial...we've done some small social events, but am shying away from other things. I'm trying to get my rest...hoping that this will ease the anxiety and panic attacks.

I've been amazed and blessed by the support I am receiving. I've had to be honest at work with my situation (walking in to work sobbing or tearing up in conversations necessitate this) and have so much support from people around me. My boss is trying to lighten my workload, but I still have a large amount of work happening that falls to me.

The bottom line is that I am an emotional wreck and I'm at the bottom of it. Right now, I can't see the end of the tunnel. My independence is threatened by this and that scares the heck out of me! When I start to think about all the things that are impacted, I get more scared! It's hard to see myself as dependent and weak (which is not the truth of this, but how I feel) instead of the strong courageous person I am. I really am trying to take this hiccup in my life one moment at a time...knowing that this is making me stronger!