Pushing Boulders Up a Hill

As you can see, things are still pretty rough for me. This week, for some reason, has been especially challenging. I've had some tearful days. I'm frustrated, which is the last thing I should be feeling right now because it is detrimental to the healing process. I feel like all I am able to focus on is this anxiety issue. My body is in revolt and taking my nerves right along with it! I've decided to throw it all out there...all the "boulders" of my life...so, my list of boulders I face right now...

• Work: At this moment, I am responsible for 25+ recruitments. They are all in various stages, but still work to be done on each and every one of them. We went to a new online application system in March and I am the "Program Manager" for this. My boss and I are headed to a User's Conference at the end of September which includes a day of hands on training for me. Until I really get comfortable with this process, I'm hesitant to allow others in the office access.
• Work Environment: If there was a reality show/makeover show for office dynamics, my office would definitely win and be contestants/participants! I am the end of my rope anyway, but last week in our staff meeting, I spoke up about the climate. Of course, it fell on deaf ears, but it was still said and I will probably continue to do so. It's rough to be in such a toxic environment...especially when we spend more time together than with anyone else.
• Living Situation: We really want to buy a house/condo/something of our own, but with D's layoff, we have had to postpone this until early next year.
• Baby: I have officially been hit with baby fever! We are trying...I am so excited, but so apprehensive about it. I'm really trying to go with the flow, but I have a tendency to worry and over analyze at times.
• D: I worry about his job...he loves it, but has an interesting boss. Then, he's taking one part of his CPA exam this Monday (send good vibes, please!) and worry about that overload.
• Mom and Meema: I just worry about them...whenever something goes wrong around the house (this week, it was the refrigerator), I wish I could fix it!

Ugh, such a list, but maybe now that it's out, I can release it from my head! Thanks for tagging along on this roller coaster of my life!

Still Trying to Catch My Breath

Well, I am sorry to say that I am still dealing with my anxiety issues. I am still taking the medication and trying to let it all flow. Unfortunately, the recovery timing is slower than I hoped. Last weekend, I started feeling like myself and didn't take my meds for two days...at the end of the 2nd day while on our way to dinner in the car on the freeway, I had mild attacks. So, back on the meds I went. Then, on Monday, I decided that I was ready to get behind the wheel and drive to work. The plan was for me to drive and D to be in the car. I figured I had driven all around my neighborhood over the weekend and I would be fine. WRONG! Not too far into the drive, I had another massive panic attack and had to pull off the freeway for D to drive the rest of the way. I didn't feel safe behind the wheel and the last thing I want to do is put others and myself at further risk!

Again, last week, D had to chauffeur me to and from work. I went to Mom's on Thursday and spent the night, so he got a little break. It's looking like this week will be more of the same. Even being a passenger in the car on the freeway causes me a lot of anxiety...yesterday, it brought me to tears at several points. D is being really patient with me...I wish I could explain how frustrated I am! I know that is probably aggravating my symptoms, but it's hard to not feel safe doing something that I have done every day for a long time. I also find that the only place I really feel comfortable is at home (or at Mom's). Large crowds start to get to me and make me anxious. I'm also feeling antisocial...we've done some small social events, but am shying away from other things. I'm trying to get my rest...hoping that this will ease the anxiety and panic attacks.

I've been amazed and blessed by the support I am receiving. I've had to be honest at work with my situation (walking in to work sobbing or tearing up in conversations necessitate this) and have so much support from people around me. My boss is trying to lighten my workload, but I still have a large amount of work happening that falls to me.

The bottom line is that I am an emotional wreck and I'm at the bottom of it. Right now, I can't see the end of the tunnel. My independence is threatened by this and that scares the heck out of me! When I start to think about all the things that are impacted, I get more scared! It's hard to see myself as dependent and weak (which is not the truth of this, but how I feel) instead of the strong courageous person I am. I really am trying to take this hiccup in my life one moment at a time...knowing that this is making me stronger!

Breathe In, Breathe Out

I have many things to blog about, yet I choose to bypass those to share something personal. To set the stage, one week ago (Tuesday, August 3), I had a busy work day filled with testing, then a post-work meeting and then dinner with some of my lovely advisors to talk about the fall semester. After dinner, I was driving home on the 15 south in Escondido. I felt something weird (like a shimmy, which was probably the groove in the road...they are doing lots of construction on the 15) while driving. At that moment, I got nervous....like something bad was going to happen. By the time, I hit the Scripps Poway Parkway exit, I had to pull off the freeway...I had entered the realm of a full blown panic/anxiety attack. My hands were numb, my breathing was ragged and my heart felt like it was racing out of my chest. After about 10 minutes, I was calm enough to start driving again...but could not even make it past the next exit before I had to get off the freeway. After trying this several times, I ended up taking all the surface streets home. By the time I got home, I was a nervous wreck.

Wednesday morning, I was not happy to be making the 30 minute drive to work, but made it. After work, I had to make a Costco run for a party (more on that in another post) and was feeling confident. However, by the time I hit the Genessee off ramp, I had to get off the freeway as another attack was coming on. As soon as I walked in the door at home, I burst into tears. D was worried...and for the rest of the evening, everytime he looked at me, I burst into sobbing fits. He sent me to bed early to get some rest.

Thursday morning, I became almost paralyzed with fear about getting behind the wheel of the car. D sensed my fear and drove me to work. Mom called...D had emailed her expressing his concern about me. I decided to call my doctor to talk about what had happened...as luck would have it, he was on call and could see me in the afternoon. From the moment I walked into his office, I cried talking to the nurse and the doctor. He said that my body was just so overloaded with stress that it had pushed me into this anxiety. He recommended that I stay home on Friday to give myself a chance to rest and prescribed me some anti-anxiety medication. This worried me because my boss was out for her husband''s hip replacement surgery which leaves me in charge. But,, I followed doctor's orders and stayed home Friday.

The medication has taken some of the edge and anxiety away, but I am still not driving myself to work. D has been taking good care of me...it causes him to have a longer day driving home to Poway to Kearny Mesa (his office) back to Poway and then home. It's still rough for me, but I'm trying to take deep breaths and be good to myself. Work is so crazy...I am handling (at some stage of the cycle) close to 20 recruitments. With school starting in a few weeks, we are trying to turn and burn recruitments to get staffing set for the fall. In the process, I think I turned and burned me...I thought that I was handling all of this so well, but apparently not!

I wanted to share this, so that people can understand what is going on....I'm trying to be a little selfish right now and take care of my needs. Thank you for listening!