Monday Musings

Today was a Monday like I haven't had in a while...the boss came back today part time. She had hip replacement surgery in early December, so I've been on my own for the last month. She is back working half days for the next three weeks and then should be released to full time. Today also was the Nasty's first day in her new assignment. She is in the larger department, but does not work day to day with us. I woke up feeling fine, but as I drove to work...the anxiety hit again! I made it work fine, but it stressed me out. The rest of the day was good and busy, but the drive home brought some more anxiety. As I walked to the front door, I started pondering...why?!? Why one moment am I fine and the next ready to crawl out of my skin? Why are people so mean? Why do I put so much stress and pressure on myself? Well, the answer to all this...is that I have no idea...and that's okay...it's just this life I lead. Happy Monday!

2012...look out, here I come!

I don't really like to use the word resolution, because to me, it seems like a design for failure. This year, I have things I'd like to try to do and achieve...I feel like my list is a combination of short term material goals and the rest are going to be a lifetime thing. Without further ado, here's my list:

• Eat better...I know that when i do, I feel better. I am a sugar/junk food lover and need to reign that back in. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy healthy food and actually crave salads after not having some. However, I make excuses. This year, I'm going to make a conscious effort to monitor what goes into my body.
• Bring lunch to work more. I make excuses about this also by saying that I won't know what I want for lunch tomorrow. I see how much money comes out of our accounts with eating out and know that money could go to a much better place. I am going to commit to one day out a week for lunch.
• Focus on me and what I need on a daily basis. With my anxiety, I started this practice. I've done better with this, but still manage to put others before me. It's hard to be semi selfish, but in the long run, this will combat my anxiety.
• Wean off totally from my anxiety meds. This will be a challenge, as I have already started to do so. I am having some symptoms of anxiety still when I drive, but am trying to overcome them. Again, this is tied in to me being selfish and patient with myself.
• Stop worrying...about all of it...specifically, what people think of my and my choices. It's hard to not internalize all the criticism/feedback from others. I really notice this peaks my anxiety at the end of a work day. I try to not take it on, but it is easier said than done.
• Figure out friendship situations...maybe it's part of my midlife crisis, but I am having a reevaluation of my circle of friends. I sometimes wonder if I fade into the background or stop attending events, would I be missed. It's rough to think about, but again it's a true feeling. It's hard for me to not sometimes feel like I am on the outside of a circle of friends...kind of like I am in middle school again.
• Figure out the jay oh bee situation. Things are going to slightly change with the exit of one Nasty, but I don't know that it will be enough. Something happened a few weeks ago, that has me questioning my work performance and place in that dynamic. I have never been in a situation like this and am relatively sure the environment aggravates my anxiety issues (and my doctor concurs). I'm going to continue to do my best work, but make some decisions in the near distant future.
• Attain the goal and get the heck out of dodge...aka our apartment. We are aggressively saving and with our continued hard work, we should be ringing 2013 in our very own home!
• Strengthen my relationships...D and I are in a good place, but I want to keep this going in its positive direction.
• Blog more...I think that what I have to say is not that exciting, but I like sharing it.
• Take more pictures and document this life. It will make next year's holiday card making so much easier!

I have a feeling that 2012 is going to be a great year and it is my intent to make the most of it! Wishing everyone the same!

2011 Reflections

I can't believe that 2011 is a little over 24-hours from being over. I, for one, am ready to kicky the vibes of 2011 out the door. Here is a recap of my year....

• D started his new job in January and is loving it!
• Drove myself back to work!
• Made a trip to Indianapolis in late January for Leadership Academy for Alpha Chi Omega. Got there in between snowstorms, but still got to see some snow. Had fun bonding, visited the motherland (the famed Headquarters of our organization), and dug through the snow to find our Chapter brick.
• Went to Arizona for the "It's a Boy's Trip" aka Spring Training with D. Had fun spending time with D, checking out different teams, eating and relaxing.
• Renewed our season tickets for the Padres with a full season...probably not do a full season again.
• Got to see a post game press conference for the Padres, which was really cool and so not what I expected.
• Celebrated Meema's 90th birthday with a trip to Disneyland with most of the family. She had a great time and still raves about it to this day! In fact, she told Mom and I that it was the "highlight of her life". Never mind, that she was married, had 2 children, 3 grandchildren and 1 great-grandchild...the highlight of her life was a visit to Disneyland and kiss by Mickey Mouse (her beau)! God willing, we will do the same for her 95th!'
• Nominated, won and accepted the award for Greek Advisor of the Year at CSUSM. It was such an honor and I am still touched when I read my nomination letter.
• Went to Big Bear with the Chapter for their fall retreat...made dinner for them, bonded and shared WAY more than I should about myself. It's a great way for them to get to know me better and be more comfortable with my input and not just view me as "the scary lady in the back".
• Was surprised by and Mom with a 2-month early surprise 40th birthday party! It was my first surprise party and so cool!
• Got an iPad for my birthday and am in LOVE with it!
• Celebrated 9 years of relationship status and 4 years of marriage with D. It's been full of ups and downs, but I wouldn't trade this for anything!
• Were made an "offer we couldn't refuse" and accepted it. It will help us make the sacrifices and get us to our big goal in 2012!
• Got an iPhone and am in LOVE with it!
• Getting closer to being out of consumer debt...should happen in 2012!
• Turned 40...and didn't freak out too much! I just don't feel like I am that age, but am excited about all that is coming in life.
• Discovered Cop Radio (thanks to D) where I can listen to the police scanner. It is both fascinating and scary at the same time...makes me sad at all the DV (domestic violence) calls.
• Hosted Christmas Eve, which all came together without all the fuss and stress I'd been putting into it.
• Still at the jay oh bee...will make some decisions in 2012 about my status there. Even though one Nasty will be out of there, I'm not sure it is still the right environment for me as I prepare for some bigger things in life.

2011 has been quite a year, but I'm looking forward to the magic of a new year...happy New Year!

Shopping Reflections

Today, I went shopping for some necessities for the holiday weekend. I did the same thing last Friday, with the intent to avoid the crazy crowds of the "Eve". In doing so, I noticed some things in my visits to Trader Joes, Vons, Costco (gas and store).

To those shopping with your children, I'm sure you think it's cute when they push the cart like they've been drinking. It's not...especially when it is busy!

To the parents with no manners (yes, I let you go ahead of me...you didn't say thank you), it's a wonder your children don't have any either.

To the woman standing in the middle of the aisle using her cell phone to call her child to find out if they need coffee right where I need to grab something, it's called a shopping list..try it some time!

To the woman in front of me at Costco gas, we've been waiting for a while to get to the pump. Why didn't you get out your cards before you pulled up to the pump?!?

To the man with the shopping cart in the meat area of Costco, I was wearing a yoga tank with a small amount of cleavage. This does not give you the right to stare longingly and follow me with your eyes until your wife returned to you. With all that staring, I'm pretty sure there was a clean up of your drool puddle in the meat section of Costco.

To those on your cell phone (with or without Starbucks) shopping, now is not the time to have a chat with your bff/husband/etc. Pay attention to the task at hand.

To Oggi's in Mission Valley, thanks for sending me home with a chopped salad without dressing and what looked like a half-eaten bread stick.

To the person driving the (insert car name here), did you not pay extra for the turn signal?!? That lever in your car is there for a reason!

Enough said :)

Day 1: 15 Day Challenge

I found this on a blog that I follow and decided that it would be a good way to force myself back into blogging...you can find details at lovelovelovesar.blogspot.com

Day 1: Discuss your current relationship.

D and I have know each other for almost 17 years. We met at the beginning of spring semester 1995 in a statistics class. I was in a sorority and he was in a fraternity. At first, and he will admit it, he did not like me. He thought I was some curly haired sorority girl. This changed a week or so later. We went out with a group of friends and somehow, I drove D back home at the end of the evening. From PB to Carlsbad (45-minute drive), he talked non-stop! From that night on, we were friends. We always hung out at parties and events together. After graduation, we kept in touch. Usually, we talked about once a month and hung out doing "couple" things...dinner and a movie, dates to weddings (we had mutual friends), parties, etc. One time, we were shopping at the clerk in JCrew was hitting on him. At the register, her friend asked if we were together. When I responded that I wasn't buying anything, she asked if we were dating. We had quite a laugh over that one!

Our relationship dynamics began to change in April 2002. I got a message from D to call him as soon as possible. I could tell something was wrong and after trying to call him for several hours, finally got in touch with him and found out his mother had a stroke. D was a change of life baby (mom was 47 when she had him) and his mother was in her late 70s. From that point on, we spent a lot of time talking and spending time together. I lost my stepdad in 1993, so I know what it's like to lose a parent. She passed away that October. I went to El Centro (his hometown) to attend the services. He stayed with me at the hotel since his parent's house was so crowded and I tried to keep him level. The next day at the cemetery, I stood back out of the way. I can't explain this next part and the feeling, but something happened! I was praying and saying to his mom how I would take care of her boy. I felt something strange and it changed how I looked at him. As I drove home alone, the rational me said that it was just the emotions of the weekend.

From there, we began talking daily. He joined the ladies and I for dinner one night, which became an evening where he cried with my mom and tried to eat dinner with 2 knives! That night, we made a bet on the Chargers-Raiders game the next day. I won the bet which was dinner. On November 9, we went to dinner, but it felt different and ended with us staying up until 5:00 a.m. talking. At some point in the middle of the night in the dark, D asked if I had feelings for him. It was a tough question to answer and it was putting it all on the line. When I finally said yes, he also admitted that he had feelings for me. And, that began our dating life!

With the exception of 2 miserable weeks of not talking over a misunderstanding, we have been together ever since! Before our marriage, we had to deal with so much stress...his father's passing 10 months after his mom, cleaning out and selling the childhood home, family pressures. On December 16, 2004, he asked me to officially marry him, which I did on November 24, 2007!

Marriage is amazing...it is like being manic! The highest highs, the lowest lows and everything in between! I am so lucky to be with him...he is both my biggest critic and cheerleader...he pushes me to be more and believes in me! I think how if my life had been on the path I was, I would not have met him that Spring 1995. I was supposed to be in law school...I graduated with my BA in political science in 1994, but had a change of heart and went back to get the credits for a business degree. If I skipped this, who knows where I'd be today! All I know is that I am a lucky woman to married to D!

Lessons from a Panic Attack

It's been a year (plus a week or so) since my first panic attack. I wanted to post this a week ago, but things are crazy busy at the work place and every where else. I tried to do it last week while proctoring a day of exams, but the work computer kept me from getting here. Anyway, here are my lessons from the past year...

• I have an AMAZING husband! Had it not been for his love, compassion patience and chauffeur skills, I don't know what I would have done. It made things easier to know that he could take the reins in our lives while I got it all together!


• My mom is still an amazing person in my life! No matter how old I get, I am still her "little girl" and she would do whatever she can to make my life less stressful! I loved having our Lourdes chicken soup lunches as she took me to therapy every other Wednesday.


• I have a large support network...and need to rely on it more! I learned who my friends are and need to acknowledge and accept that love and support!


• It's okay to forgive...my father, myself for past mistakes, and all the other things I carry around as penance. It's okay to forgive the hurt and anger I carry with me to this day!


• It's okay to ask for help...I am not superwoman no matter how hard I try...in fact, that's one of the reasons I ended up where I did.


• It's okay if I don't get it all done...there are still days when I lay on the couch as opposed to doing (insert chore).


• I need to take care of me first...I've always been so giving of me...I could fix it for everyone else, but not myself...it's okay to say no!


• It's good to speak up...not holding it in...


• It's okay to not have a major life plan...day by day is just fine!


• It's okay to stop comparing my life to others...I don't know others' circumstances.

All in all, it's okay to be me at the moment where I am and with what I have...I'm going to survive this!

Breakthrough...My New Theme Song

Friday was the end to another crazy week at work. School ends in less than 2 weeks (where did the school year go) and it's the push to figure out staffing pushes for the fall and all the normal work. We also just finished a high profile recruitment that took a lot of time to get done. I've been productive and busy. As I got ready to leave (purse and keys in hand), I had a mini freak out because I had forgotten to send an email and had shut my computer down. Fortunately, the boss told me not to worry and do it first thing Tuesday morning. Got into the car, opened the sunroof, turned on good music and began the trek home. Driving home has still been an issue in that I have not done the freeway all the way. Friday, I was so entranced with the good music and great weather that the next thing I knew, I was at Friars Road on the 15. Exited there since I wanted to run an errand near that area. Drove through Friars and hopped back on the 8 at Hotel Circle. Feeling like I had gotten some confidence back at that moment...and then, a song came on. One I'd listened to many times especially since it was the theme song to one of my favorite shows. On this day, this song resonated within me. I had goosebumps and tears of joy in my eyes...I felt like I was turning over a new page...the song... Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield.

Listening to these lyrics made it all clear...I have to take each step of the anxiety. No one can fix this for me...It all makes sense and I am now at peace with this process...the rest is still Unwritten!