Ups and Downs

I'm on the cycle of ups and downs...letting the hills and valleys of life come as they will. So, my current list of ups and downs...

UP: Valentine's Day...whether single or attached, I've always had the opinion that if you can't show me how much you love me the other 364 days of the year, don't waste the extra money on one day. Or, I used to (and still might) call it an overrated Hallmark holiday. D and I had some rough ones in the beginning of our relationship, but seem to have gotten it right now! It was a holiday for me at work, so I spent the day prepping the house with candles, baking cupcakes (D's favorite), and prepping dinner. For dinner, we started with (my new Ruth's salad suggestion) a salad of wild greens, crumbled goat cheese, roasted grape tomatoes, toasted walnuts and homemade garlic and parsley vinaigrette dressing. Dinner consisted of bone in rib eyes (bought on a great sale), asparagus and red skinned mashed potatoes. We exchanged cards (D's made me tear up with his sentiment).

DOWN: The driving at times...on my way to a function on Saturday, I almost had another panic attack on the freeway. I'm trying to be patient with myself. As I've discovered through therapy, there is a gap between the rational mind ("Just get on the darn freeway") and the emotional mind ("The freeway is freaking me out") and learning to have the patience!

UP: Vacation time...D is headed to Spring Training this weekend. Normally, I would let him do his guy thing. This year, I'm tagging along. It will be a chance to relax and spend some time together.

UP & DOWN: This is a mixed one...the jay oh bee! Just before the holidays, it was dropped that they might demote my position (removing the supervisory piece). I was having no part of that because this is the reason I took this position 6 years ago...as a bridge to the gap of my goal of becoming a manager/director someday. I had been penalized by not allowing me to take that role on. Instead, I proposed that we figure out how to allow me to take the role on. Since the beginning of the year, I have been supervising two Assistants (which includes 1 Nasty). It's been an interesting ride so far. Supervising is what I think is being a mother...she didn't look at me, she didn't tell me what was happening, etc. We even had a mini cat fight in my office. Rome wasn't built in a day and it might not be built in my time here, but I'm going to give it one heck of a try!

Speaking of the jay-oh-bee, I better get back to it...another day at the salt mine beckons!

Winter Break Recap

What a whirlwind of a Winter Break! Working for a school district, I am able to take advantage of time off during breaks. I typically take Thanksgiving Week and Winter Break totally off and then work some of the other breaks (Ski Week in February and Spring Break). It's nice because we get holidays for each of these, so I don''t have to use a lot of vacation time. Since I have 8 rollback days (to go along with my additional salary rollback this fiscal year), I used them for both breaks.

I started the revelry early...my birthday was on the 15th of December, which consisted of lunch with a coworker, then dinner with D, Mom and Meema. The next day after work, I mentioned to D that I had seen a car online at Lexus San Diego and could we go look at it that weekend. He suggested that we just stop by on our way home. I was against this since we had so much to do that evening (shopping for gifts for work, making potluck dishes and other stuff to be done for the next day...we were kind of last minute!), but we stopped anyway. Less than 2 hours, we drove away with a 2007 Toyota 4Runner for me! I drove it home the back way (still having issues with the freeway)...I love it and got such a great deal (will post pictures soon)! We still made it through all our errands and made it to bed around 1:00 a.m. The next day was my last day of work...the Nastys gave small gifts, but I did not give them anything. I had a tiny twang of sadness and guilt, but decided that why would I give a gift to someone who treats me like garbage all year! I passed on our work party due to my driving situation...after an almost hour+ drive home, D and I crashed until the morning (woke up at 11:30, to change into pajamas).

The next day, we ran around (I drove to the dealer via the freeway!) and did some of our Secret Santa shopping. That night, we went to Ruth's Chris for my birthday dinner. Due to family dynamics, it was a little uncomfortable.

The week before Christmas was busy...I spent a lot of time cleaning up around home and relaxing. We braved the rain one night to pick up groceries for our Christmas Eve hosting feast. Which all led up to our 3 day Christmas extravaganza!

Christmas Eve: D and I host this event...we've been doing it for close to 5 years. The family plus a new friend joined us that evening. On the menu, antipasto platter (salami, prosciutto, artichoke hearts, roasted red peppers, marinated mushrooms), mini caprese salad (using grape tomatoes and mozzarella balls), Christmas pasta (Rachael Ray's recipe) with angel hair, Italian sausages, and garlic bread. I made a brown sugar bundt cake, but no one ate dessert. I make treat bags/boxes every year for people to take home - this year's included graham cracker toffee and rolo pecan pretzel bits. We all hung out and had a nice evening! D and I concluded it by watching Christmas Eve mass from the Vatican.

Christmas Day: The morning was mellow. In the afternoon, D, our friend and I headed to our family friends', the Belmains. Our families have long standing relationships dating back to my great-grandmother at age 18. They always host a dinner. We had a nice day filled with friends, family and good food.

Day After Christmas: Uncle (now retired) Banking Mogul and family decided to host since they did not participate in the Belmain dinner. The catch...Mom did most of the cooking at their place! They have a beautiful galley kitchen in the Deluxe Apartment in the Sky, but are culinary challenged! We had a turkey dinner with the fixings. We did our Secret Santa exchange. Since our friend has no family locally, we all got him gifts from "Santa". He was genuinely surprised and touched. D got a really nice SD Padres pullover that he wanted. (I helped his Secret Santa pick it out). I got nice baking sheets and cookie cutters from mine. When we got home, we were trying to watch a movie when we hear arguing. One of our neighbors was fighting with her live-in...complete with her throwing his stuff off the stairs at him and calling him every expletive known to man! After a back and forth argument for close to 2 hours, SDPD came to see what was going on. And, much to my surprise, he is back and they look so happy..ugh, who needs that much drama in their life?!?

The week after Christmas was spent partially entertaining Aspiring NY Banker. We also did our share of stimulating the economy. D had his exit interview at his job...he starts his new one on Monday. We also started getting more organized...one of our goals in 2011!

It's been a great break...happy new year!

How Far We've Come

Well, I never thought that when I had my massive panic attack while driving back in August that I would still be dealing with this. What I've learned is that one piece of straw can overflow a bucket of water. Here's where I am, four mothns later:

• I started seeing a therapist. I'm not ashamed to admit that! I started seeing him every other week starting in late September. He has really changed my view on all that is and has happened to me. Through therapy, I've been able to see how my actions and past decisions and behaviors have impacted me. I've been such a helper and have a tendency to help others before I help myself. I've learned that is the behavior that starts the domino to so many other things. I have now adopted the mantra "I appreciate myself...I put myself first" Therapy and EMDR has helped me feel better...I am really starting to feel like me again and I like the changes it has brought! I have also learned that I have a serious case of distortion...what is said to me is not always what my brain processes!
• I went back to see Doctor B for an unrelated issue. At that appointment, we made the decision that the initial medication was not doing what it should. So, we made the difficult choice to put me on stronger medication. The downfall is that I can't get pregnant while on the medication and need to be on it 3-6 months to normalize my system. I was initially devastated at this, but have come to realize that if I'm not okay and can't take care of myself, then how can I take care of someone else! The medication works, just makes me sleepy and get some solid sleep!
• We will end this year with none (yes, none!) of the cars we started the year with...and we started with 3 cars! The first was totaled in my accident in February. The second (my car, the 4Runner) was totaled in a very freakish incident in October...in fact, the same day as my Doctor B appointment. D dropped me off at work and then called me saying he was outside my building and the car started to smoke inside and could not be driven. He called AAA and my mom to pick him up. Turns out, the ground wire for the power seat hit some other hot wire and fried our electric system! Insurance company decided to total it since it would have to be dismantled to be fixed. That check is sitting in the bank waiting for me to buy a car. Then, we made the decision that BMW (a prewedding impulse made by D) was getting pricey to maintain and own. Therefore, we traded it in for a car (Toyota FJ Cruiser) for D. While I don't love the 2 car payment concept, I'm happy to be free of the headaches that came along with the BMW!
• I finally drove stress free a few weeks ago...I drove to the bank and then home from Trader Joes. I was almost in tears over how proud of myself I felt for doing that. It was the first time I drove any distance since my last massive panic attack. I'm definitely getting closer and have started thinking about my next car. I really miss my independence and being able to go where I need to without having to ask.
• Chapter finished up for the semester...we had some bad times, but it was a really great semester! Some of the girls initiated at the same time I became Chapter Advisor are graduating this semester...I will miss them! I am excited for our new exec board and all that is to come. My next commitment is a trip to Indianapolis for training with two of the girls in January. We will get to tour headquarters while we are back there...so excited to see it, but not excited about the weather!

Life has been a challenge, but I've learned so much! Life is good in spite of all the challenges. I once heard that change is our opportunity to grow and without change, we would remain stagnant! I definitely have gone through changes and am growing like crazy!

Moving Ahead...One Small Step At a Time!

No, I haven't fallen off the face of the Earth...I'm just taking some quality time away from life! I am still dealing with the anxiety and panic attacks. Last week, I had an appointment with my doctor. We discussed what has been happening since our first appointment for this issue. I shared lots...I've totally cut out caffeine (so hard because I love iced tea when we are out, but have adjusted to drink Sprite or water instead) which has helped eliminate (reduce) the number of headaches I get; getting more sleep (at least 8 hours per night...usually); stepped back from solving every one's issues (this is a hard one because instinctively, my brain goes there); and let others do for me (another really difficult one). Doctor B has been my doctor for almost 12 years and we are able to talk openly. He acknowledges that I am doing all the right things, but wanted me to be aware of what would be the next step if the increased dosage and other things were not successful! The option is a more potent medication which would require a 6-12 month commitment...and would delay the baby train (can't be pregnant or trying while on this). Well, the fighter in me (and the doctor) agreed that this was not an option...so, we now move forward trying this course of action!

Out of all this, some positives have come about...I got a massage after not having one for a while and am planning on doing this monthly; went to a traumatic prayer group and have become more (back) in touch with my spirituality; started to speak my mind (rather than bottle it all up inside); regular date nights with D (focusing on spending good quality time without distractions together); seeing a therapist (someone who has no investment in me to give me strategies and perspective); and just learning patience with myself.

I slowly feel like I am going to turn this corner and come out on the other side...as so many I have spoken with, this is preparing me for something bigger and better. I'm learning to make positive lifestyle changes and choices that will make me feel better. I am also realizing that I am worth every ounce of love and caring that I receive! It's a long path, but it's my path to grow on!

Pushing Boulders Up a Hill

As you can see, things are still pretty rough for me. This week, for some reason, has been especially challenging. I've had some tearful days. I'm frustrated, which is the last thing I should be feeling right now because it is detrimental to the healing process. I feel like all I am able to focus on is this anxiety issue. My body is in revolt and taking my nerves right along with it! I've decided to throw it all out there...all the "boulders" of my life...so, my list of boulders I face right now...

• Work: At this moment, I am responsible for 25+ recruitments. They are all in various stages, but still work to be done on each and every one of them. We went to a new online application system in March and I am the "Program Manager" for this. My boss and I are headed to a User's Conference at the end of September which includes a day of hands on training for me. Until I really get comfortable with this process, I'm hesitant to allow others in the office access.
• Work Environment: If there was a reality show/makeover show for office dynamics, my office would definitely win and be contestants/participants! I am the end of my rope anyway, but last week in our staff meeting, I spoke up about the climate. Of course, it fell on deaf ears, but it was still said and I will probably continue to do so. It's rough to be in such a toxic environment...especially when we spend more time together than with anyone else.
• Living Situation: We really want to buy a house/condo/something of our own, but with D's layoff, we have had to postpone this until early next year.
• Baby: I have officially been hit with baby fever! We are trying...I am so excited, but so apprehensive about it. I'm really trying to go with the flow, but I have a tendency to worry and over analyze at times.
• D: I worry about his job...he loves it, but has an interesting boss. Then, he's taking one part of his CPA exam this Monday (send good vibes, please!) and worry about that overload.
• Mom and Meema: I just worry about them...whenever something goes wrong around the house (this week, it was the refrigerator), I wish I could fix it!

Ugh, such a list, but maybe now that it's out, I can release it from my head! Thanks for tagging along on this roller coaster of my life!

Still Trying to Catch My Breath

Well, I am sorry to say that I am still dealing with my anxiety issues. I am still taking the medication and trying to let it all flow. Unfortunately, the recovery timing is slower than I hoped. Last weekend, I started feeling like myself and didn't take my meds for two days...at the end of the 2nd day while on our way to dinner in the car on the freeway, I had mild attacks. So, back on the meds I went. Then, on Monday, I decided that I was ready to get behind the wheel and drive to work. The plan was for me to drive and D to be in the car. I figured I had driven all around my neighborhood over the weekend and I would be fine. WRONG! Not too far into the drive, I had another massive panic attack and had to pull off the freeway for D to drive the rest of the way. I didn't feel safe behind the wheel and the last thing I want to do is put others and myself at further risk!

Again, last week, D had to chauffeur me to and from work. I went to Mom's on Thursday and spent the night, so he got a little break. It's looking like this week will be more of the same. Even being a passenger in the car on the freeway causes me a lot of anxiety...yesterday, it brought me to tears at several points. D is being really patient with me...I wish I could explain how frustrated I am! I know that is probably aggravating my symptoms, but it's hard to not feel safe doing something that I have done every day for a long time. I also find that the only place I really feel comfortable is at home (or at Mom's). Large crowds start to get to me and make me anxious. I'm also feeling antisocial...we've done some small social events, but am shying away from other things. I'm trying to get my rest...hoping that this will ease the anxiety and panic attacks.

I've been amazed and blessed by the support I am receiving. I've had to be honest at work with my situation (walking in to work sobbing or tearing up in conversations necessitate this) and have so much support from people around me. My boss is trying to lighten my workload, but I still have a large amount of work happening that falls to me.

The bottom line is that I am an emotional wreck and I'm at the bottom of it. Right now, I can't see the end of the tunnel. My independence is threatened by this and that scares the heck out of me! When I start to think about all the things that are impacted, I get more scared! It's hard to see myself as dependent and weak (which is not the truth of this, but how I feel) instead of the strong courageous person I am. I really am trying to take this hiccup in my life one moment at a time...knowing that this is making me stronger!

Breathe In, Breathe Out

I have many things to blog about, yet I choose to bypass those to share something personal. To set the stage, one week ago (Tuesday, August 3), I had a busy work day filled with testing, then a post-work meeting and then dinner with some of my lovely advisors to talk about the fall semester. After dinner, I was driving home on the 15 south in Escondido. I felt something weird (like a shimmy, which was probably the groove in the road...they are doing lots of construction on the 15) while driving. At that moment, I got nervous....like something bad was going to happen. By the time, I hit the Scripps Poway Parkway exit, I had to pull off the freeway...I had entered the realm of a full blown panic/anxiety attack. My hands were numb, my breathing was ragged and my heart felt like it was racing out of my chest. After about 10 minutes, I was calm enough to start driving again...but could not even make it past the next exit before I had to get off the freeway. After trying this several times, I ended up taking all the surface streets home. By the time I got home, I was a nervous wreck.

Wednesday morning, I was not happy to be making the 30 minute drive to work, but made it. After work, I had to make a Costco run for a party (more on that in another post) and was feeling confident. However, by the time I hit the Genessee off ramp, I had to get off the freeway as another attack was coming on. As soon as I walked in the door at home, I burst into tears. D was worried...and for the rest of the evening, everytime he looked at me, I burst into sobbing fits. He sent me to bed early to get some rest.

Thursday morning, I became almost paralyzed with fear about getting behind the wheel of the car. D sensed my fear and drove me to work. Mom called...D had emailed her expressing his concern about me. I decided to call my doctor to talk about what had happened...as luck would have it, he was on call and could see me in the afternoon. From the moment I walked into his office, I cried talking to the nurse and the doctor. He said that my body was just so overloaded with stress that it had pushed me into this anxiety. He recommended that I stay home on Friday to give myself a chance to rest and prescribed me some anti-anxiety medication. This worried me because my boss was out for her husband''s hip replacement surgery which leaves me in charge. But,, I followed doctor's orders and stayed home Friday.

The medication has taken some of the edge and anxiety away, but I am still not driving myself to work. D has been taking good care of me...it causes him to have a longer day driving home to Poway to Kearny Mesa (his office) back to Poway and then home. It's still rough for me, but I'm trying to take deep breaths and be good to myself. Work is so crazy...I am handling (at some stage of the cycle) close to 20 recruitments. With school starting in a few weeks, we are trying to turn and burn recruitments to get staffing set for the fall. In the process, I think I turned and burned me...I thought that I was handling all of this so well, but apparently not!

I wanted to share this, so that people can understand what is going on....I'm trying to be a little selfish right now and take care of my needs. Thank you for listening!